[76] in Humor
HUMOR: Church of Objectology
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Feb 14 09:54:07 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 94 09:52:28 EST
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 94 14:32:10 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: Ira Feldman <ira@hpcss01.cup.hp.com>
From: dap@lucid.com
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SCOTTS VALLEY, CA (APR. 1) BUSINESS WIRE - In a move many industry
analysts consider a visionary cost-cutting measure, Borland
International Inc. (NASDAQ:BORL) announced on Thursday that it would
register with the federal government as a non-profit organization, and
reorganize.
In order to qualify as a non-profit organization under the
government's strict tax laws, Borland announced plans to become the
Church of Objectology, a religion dedicated to the holy mission of
producing object-oriented software. The Church's fundamental belief is
that all things earthly are objects to be used and exchanged.
Employees of Borland, now acolytes, must make a declaration of faith
and denounce any other religious affiliations. The profession of
faith will be performed in a private ceremony. The ceremony will be
monitored by an agent of the Internal Revenue Service on permanent
assignment at the Church.
"We're very excited by this plan. Many of our employees have said
that they have no life outside of Borland, and we've responded to
that," said Doug Cuenin, former Borland Human Resources Vice President
and current Grand Indoctrinator of the Church. "As followers of the
Church, our acolytes enjoy tax-free 'aid', and through their work the
code is spread. It's a win-win situation for all involved." Cuenin also
announced that a wall would be built around the Church campus,
currently under construction.
Programmers working for the Church will now be a cloistered order;
their only permitted contact with the outside world will be to
attend conferences. "I have seen the light, and it is code. It is
object-oriented code. It is good." Said Bob Warfield, former Borland
head of Research & Development and current High Deliverer of the Sacred
Code.
"Our conversion will result in a price increase, but that money is
now a donation, and the user will definitely see a savings come next
April. It's a win-win situation for everyone," said Alan Hendricks,
former Borland Finance head and current Sacred Keeper of Alms. "Since
donations must be voluntary under the law, users can order software
from the Church without making a donation."
The Church also announced the release of AlmsBase, a Paradox for
Windows application designed to track users who have received Church
software but haven't made their donation. Using DDE links to Windows
multi-media extensions, AlmsBase calls users at random, playing various
Disco selections until a valid donation is registered. "Many religions
have expressed an interest in licensing the system," said Spencer
Leyton, former Borland head of Business Development and current
Arch-Deacon of Spreading the Code.
Philippe Kahn, former head of Borland, has been in seclusion since
his promotion to Church Hierophant, and was unavailable for
comment.
For millions of software developers and believers worldwide, the Church
of
Objectology is the leader in application development
software. A pioneer in the use of object-oriened technology, the Church
is committed to offering the world's best database management,
programming languages, development tools, spreadsheets and applications
software. The Church's products include dBASE, Paradox, InterBase,
Quattro Pro, ObjectVision, Sacred C++ and Blessed Pascal with Objects.
Founded in 1983 by Philippe Kahn, the Church is headquartered in Scotts
Valley, California.
CONTACT: The Church of Objectology, Sister Heidi Sinkewicz,
408/555-****
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