[738] in Humor
HUMOR: NoTW Feb. 10
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Mar 2 18:47:34 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 02 Mar 1995 18:42:31 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 04:16:01 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
WEIRDNUZ.366 (News of the Weird, February 10, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY
* In December, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three hours
before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend
Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow
blade. Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair
by accidentally passing gas in his face. And in a postscript to the
trial, as the jurors ceremonially exited the courtroom, the foreman
accidentally, audibly passed gas as he walked by the judge. [Eau Claire
Leader-Telegram, 12-3-94]
THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT
* In August, police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested master thief Robson
Augusto Araujo and confiscated a stash of his business cards with the firm
name (in Portuguese) "Thefts and Robberies, Ltd." and his job title
"Thief." Though the card's address was fake, the cellular phone number
was real, along with the legend "325 iS," which is the model of BMW he
specialized in stealing. [[Arizona Daily Star-AP, 8-6-94]]
* And in August, police in Chandler, Ariz., confiscated a videotape
allegedly made by four teenage boys known as the Insane Skate Posse and
containing inspirational promotional messages of mayhem and destruction
designed to recruit new members for their gang. They are shown having
fun by smoking marijuana, drinking beer, destroying a parked car, and
making harassing phone calls. [The Arizona Republic, 8-14-94]
* In July the Catholic Church in the Netherlands announced it had reached
an agreement with cellular telephone companies to sell space on church
steeples for the companies' antennas. [Seattle Times, Jul94]
* In October, the New York Times reported that Kimberly-Clark Corporation
had received a patent for chemically realistic, synthetic feces that it
regards as crucial for testing diapers and incontinence garments.
Technicians had concluded that makeshift substances, such as mashed
potatoes, peanut butter, and canned pumpkin pie mix were inadequate
because they separated into liquids and solids more quickly than feces
does. [New York Times, 10-24-94]
* The People's Insurance Company of China recently began offering a
marriage insurance policy, in which a couple that divorces forfeits all
premiums paid, but a couple that stays together 25, 40, or 50 years stands
to gain substantial dividends. [Arlington Journal, Sept94]
* In December, Dr. Henry Abrams of Loveladies, N. J., who was Albert
Einstein's ophthalmologist and who removed Einstein's eyes during his
autopsy in 1955 (storing them in a safe-deposit box ever since), announced
the eyes were for sale and said he expected they could bring $5 million.
[Chicago Sun-Times-Agence France-Presse, 12-18-94]
* Vermont Business Magazine reported last spring that the
Holstein-Friesian Association, which exports pedigreed dairy cattle and
must get them quickly to their clients in Europe and Saudi Arabia,
delivers them by air in Federal Express planes. [Vermont Business
Magazine, April 1994]
OVERREACTIONS
* Recent Sensitive People: Brenda L. Hunter, 31, Zion, Ill., allegedly
shot her brother because she did not like the kind of cheese he was
putting on their chili dinner; Michael R. Waggoner, 37, Knoxville, Tenn.,
allegedly shot a man five times in a bar because he thought the man had
asked "Have you got a light, baby?" when the man actually ended the
question with "buddy"; Anthony Foti, 35, Missasauga, Ontario, was charged
with severely punching and kicking an elementary school principal because
one of his teachers was wearing a skirt that was too short. [Chicago
Tribune, 1-20-94; Knoxville News-Sentinel, 9-20-94; Edmonton Journal-CP,
9-29-94]
* The Charlotte Observer reported in June that a Sanford, N. C., man drove
to City Hall, wearing only a towel, to complain that his water had just
been shut off in the middle of his shower. After the city pointed out
that his account was overdue and that it had mailed two warnings, the man
stood in line, paid his bill, and drove back home to finish his shower.
[Charlotte Observer, 6-25-94]
* In June, in Liberty, Ohio, police officer Bradley L. Sebastian, tired
of waiting for his food order at Denny's, stormed into the kitchen, held
his service revolver to the cook's head, and told her he would kill her
if she didn't hurry up. In August, in Oklahoma City, a Hardee's
restaurant worker, angered that a drive-through customer continued to
complain about the delay in his order, stripped off his headset, ran to
his car, grabbed his gun out of the trunk, and threatened the customer
before fleeing. [Warren Tribune, 6-10-94; Saturday Oklahoman, 8-20-94]
* Christian-oriented radio station WKID in Vevay, Ind., was burglarized
and set afire in September, probably by the man who became angry earlier
in the day when a DJ refused to play his request. [Editor's Note: The
song was "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw. DJ's seeking to avoid
trouble are advised to honor all requests to play that song.] [USA Today,
9-29-94]
MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE
* Oklahoma City prosecutor Pattye Wallace, on a jury's recommendation that
Charles Scott Robinson be sentenced to 5,000 years in prison on each of
six counts of rape of a 3-year-old girl (which the judge ruled were to
be served in sequence, from 1995 until the year 31995): "I don't know if
we'll get more 30,000-year sentences or not, but [this one] was deserved."
[Dallas Morning News-AP, Jan95]
Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name News of the Weird.
