[696] in Humor
HUMOR: Excuses, Excuses....
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (francios@MIT.EDU)
Fri Jan 27 09:55:09 1995
From: francios@MIT.EDU
To: HUMOR@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 09:46:38 EST
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington
Post. Results from a contest in which readers were asked
to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.
"If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet. . .
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to
her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick
son.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
