[695] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. short bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Jan 26 22:09:32 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 22:03:42 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 26 Jan 95 13:09:53 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Recent short bits, and lots o' them
The following *real-life* email was exchanged by two writers....
> >Just ran into the following sentence in this chapter:
> >
> >"This section is a continuation of the following previous
> >sections:"
> >
> >...
> >
>
> I'm going to apply for a government writing job ... save that sentence,
> I'm going to need writing samples.
- -----------------------------------------
From: Kathy Lau <kathode@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com>
>From anamioka@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com
I once listed all the good things I did
over the past year, and then turned them
into resolution form and backdated them.
That was a good feeling.
Robert Fulghum
- -----------------------------------------
From: David B. Serafini <serafini@nas.nasa.gov>
From: "Karin L. Kross" <karinlee@owlnet.rice.edu>
From: Neil W. Van Dyke <nwv@cs.brown.edu> <nwv@acm.org>
> Here's a much-abbreviated version of
> a story I think I read or heard from Art Buchwald [...]
>
> An English teacher is trying to "bring home" the story of Hamlet to
> one of today's students.
>
> "Put yourself in Hamlet's place," he says. "You've just come home
> from college. You find that your father's dead. Your uncle killed
> him and is romancing your mother. Your father's ghost is crying
> for revenge. You accidentally kill your girlfriend's father, and
> she commits suicide... You don't know whether to kill your uncle,
> kill yourself, or what. What would _you_ do?"
>
> The student replies, "I guess I'd go back for my master's degree."
> [...]
- -----------------------------------------
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Steve Berczuk <berczuk@space.mit.edu>
From: Royce Buehler <buehler@sybil>
In article <Xsamuel-goldwynURae7_5JD@clarinet.com>, C-ap@clarinet.com (AP) writes:
> SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) -- What do kings and movie sequels have in
> common? Roman numerals, much to producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr.'s
> dismay.
> Goldwyn insisted the numbers be dropped from the title of
> British playwright Alan Bennett's ``The Madness of King George
> III'' before turning it into a movie.
> ``They were frightened that people would think they had missed
> `The Madness of King George' and `The Madness of King George II,'''
> Bennett said in a recent interview.
> In Bennett's story, a stage hit in London and New York, King
> George III has lost both the American colonies and his mind. His
> incapacity leads to conniving for power by Parliament and the
> Prince of Wales.
- -----------------------------------------
From: Michael Leibig <leibig@itp.ucsb.edu>
>From: "Mark Wolf" <wolfm@corp.macom.com>
>For those of us considering career changes, the following list of books is
>real:
>
>Raising Earthworms for Profit.
>Profitable Earthworm Farming.
>Harnessing the Earthworm.
>Raising the African Nightcrawler.
>Larger Red Worms.
>ABC's of the Earthworm Business.
>The Worm Farm.
>Raising Fish Worms with Rabbits.
>Earthworm Feeds and Feeding.
>A-worming We Did Go.
>The Nightcrawler Manual.
>Earthworm Selling & Shipping Guide.
>With Tails We Win.
>How to Raise, Store & Sell Nightcrawlers
>Let an Earthworm be Your Garbageman
>
>The prices vary from $3, for With Tails We Win, to $8, for Harnessing the
>Earthworm. I look forward to the next magnum opus by noted worm-writer, C.
>Morgan, who authored fully six of the books listed above.
- -----------------------------------------
From: XpnsivWino@aol.com
Subject: .sig o'the day
Sig seen on alt.law-enforcement:
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a
field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue
musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Edward Flaherty
- -----------------------------------------
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: REX_BLACK@ACM.ORG
This was taken from today's "USA Today". As our hero Dave Barry
would say, I am *not* making this up:
[TV] Talk Shows
Donahue: Parents of killers.
Oprah Winfrey: Failed 911 calls.
Susan Powter: Breast implants
Jerry Springer: Indecisive lovers.
Rolonda: Teens dating older men.
Ricki Lake: Relationships harmed by substance abuse [como se no?]
Geraldo: Women who sleep with married men.
Maury Povich: Twins with eating disorders.
Sally Jesse Raphael:
Philanderers return to their wives.
Montel Williams:
Pregnant women who drink and use drugs.
I assume that this is a fairly representative line up, but maybe
it's more cerebral than usual.
- -----------------------------------------
From: abennett@MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Actually, it sounds a lot like dorm-room cooking...
- -Drew
From: Mrs. Cornelius, The Young Housekeeper's Friend: or, A Guide to
Domestic Economy and Comfort, Boston: Tappan, Whittemore, & Mason, 114
Washington Street, pp. 126, 1850.
Macaroni.-22.
Procure that which looks white and clean. When it is to be used,
examine it carefully, as there are sometimes little insects inside.
Wash it, and put it in a stew-pan in cold water enough almost to cover
it. Add a little salt. Let it boil slowly half an hour; then add a
gill of milk and a small piece of butter, and boil it a quarter of an
hour more. Then put it into the dish in which it is to go to the table,
grate old cheese over it, and heat a shovel red-hot and hold over the
top to brown it. It may be browned in a stove, but if the dish would be
injured by it, the better way is to use the shovel.
- -----------------------------------------
From: Terry Weissman <weissman@pianoforte.engr.sgi.com>
In article <S7b5.10c0@clarinet.com>, scotta@kije.gsfc.nasa.gov writes:
> As seen in "Abort, Retry, Fail?", by Don Willmont, from the July '94 PC
> Magazine.
>
> -------------------------
> Renaming the Info Highway
> -------------------------
>
> We asked you to help us rename the Information Highway, and boy, did you ever!
>
> [runner-up info deleted]
>
> The winner is Kevin Kwaku, who suggested that while the Information
> Superhighway is a bad name, it could be a great acronym, standing for
>
> "Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing,
> And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleasing Practically
> Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres, And
> Yahoos."
>
>
> Scott Austin
> scott_austin@cnt.com
- -----------------------------------------
From: scott_schroeder@ins.com (Scott Schroeder)
From: Amreen Madhani <Amreen_Madhani@ccm.sc.intel.com>
What is Macintosh an acronym for?
M - Machine
A - Always
C - Crashes
I - If
N - Not
T - The
O - Operating
S - System
H - Hangs
Heard it on the radio this morning. Thought it was clever.
Am
- -----------------------------------------
From: scott_schroeder@ins.com (Scott Schroeder)
From: "Michael Winstandley" <MWINSTAN@us.oracle.com>
From:"Amanda L. Morin" <amorin@us.oracle.com>
One night in the Colorado Rockies, there went camping a lawyer, an
accountant, and an engineer. As the day wore on into the night, they sat
around the campfire drinking and talking late into the night. As they
were moving into the more advanced stages of drunkeness, the CPA grabbed
his whiskey glass, threw it up in the air, whipped out his Colt .45 and
blew the glass to smithereens with one shot. Not to be outdone, the lawyer
downed his brandy, threw the snifter up in the air, whipped out his rifle
and blew the snifter to Kingdom Come. The engineer slowly pulled out his
shotgun, shot the lawyer, shot the accountant, and sat back taking a swig
of his beer and mumbled under his breath, "It doesn't get any better than
this."
- -----------------------------------------
From: janos@netcom.com (Janos Gereben)
Subject: From the European newsfront
Reuter reports on a study by Norwegian researchers which
concluded that leeches do not like beer or garlic, but
go crazy over sour cream, `sucking frantically on the
wall of the container.' End item.
- -----------------------------------------
From: "Mark D. Baushke" <mdb@cisco.com>
From: fred@cisco.com (Fred Baker)
Subject: Human Intrusion
found on com-priv...
At a symposium at MIT earlier this year, a representative of the
Communications Workers of America (CWA) began a presentation bemoaning
the loss of union craft jobs among telcos by drawing on the chalkboard
a sketch representing the telco C.O. of the future:
+--------------------------------------------------+
| *** |
| (o o) +-----------+ |
| ~ | ( ) ( ) | |
| /-+-\ | | |
| / | \ | | |
| o | o @@\ / | ( ) | |
| / \ ++ \=======/ | | |
| / \ /\ /\ | | |
| / \ / \ / \ | | |
| == == = = = = +-----------+ |
+--------------------------------------------------+
In this picture, there is a single man, a dog and a computer. The man's
job is to feed the dog and the dog's job is to bite the man if he touches
the computer.
- -----------------------------------------
[Stephen Archer (Stephen_Archer.SBD-E@rx.xerox.com) reports]
Saw this newspaper clipping on a colleague's wall (doesn't remember where he got
it from)
The US Air Force is removing harmful "greenhouse" gases from the
cooling systems of intercontinental ballistic missiles. This will minimize
damage to the ozone layer in the event of a nuclear holocaust.
- -----------------------------------------
