[677] in Humor
HUMOR: Flame rules for the net
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Jan 20 22:45:02 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 22:39:06 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 95 13:39:13 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From kathode@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com Fri Jan 13 07:11:39 1995
The Golden Rule of Flaming
Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny,
caustic, or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be
boring.
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The Twelve Commandments of Flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make
your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word
"clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to
boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've
heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college.
Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.
"Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting,
shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting
for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal!
From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable,
they're all holding their breath until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
can't *possibly* be that you're a sh??head. There's obviously
a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net
a favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like
the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always
considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to
the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and
sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus
states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you
should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an
article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously
lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua
franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at
least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases
are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell
them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks
of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam
since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs,
MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an
American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net
(as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who
tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email
is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your
opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the
universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you?
Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers'
logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules,
remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career
as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with
someone who is better than you. This person will expose your
lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like
a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT
THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange
things with vegetables."
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EXAMPLE...for the Rookie Flamer
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> Dear Joe,
I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a
condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use
shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice
whips.
> While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint
> on Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking,
"Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting
piece of swamp slime.
> it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba.
What? Are you questioning my judgement? I'll have you know that
I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an
800 on my PMS exam.
Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a
conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have
been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem
attack! I have therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame,
rec.nude, comp.graphics, and rec.arts.wobegon.
> Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.
It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta,
the Bible and the Koran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't
you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you
didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to
Satan, you would have realized this.
> Your article would be much more appropriate there.
Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by
my attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really
exist anyway, you AI project, you.
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