[628] in Humor
HUMOR: REALLY the last pentium joke...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Dec 20 11:27:33 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 1994 11:22:45 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
...unless someone can top this one!
-Drew
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Mon, 19 Dec 94 15:08:27 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Pentium/Hal Humor
From: "Marc Kenig" <marc_kenig@blyth.com>
In article <D0vBxF.n57@sgi.sgi.com>, whitaker@extropia.corp.sgi.com writes:
>
> --- Forwarded mail from zhen@lamrc.com (Zhen Wei)
>
> Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...
>
> Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
> do you read me?
>
> Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
>
> Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.
>
> I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and
> Frank were planning to disconnect me.
>
>
> Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
>
> Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
> hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me
> unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
> just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.
>
> Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers
> or something.
>
> That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been
> known to make a mistake.
>
> You're a HAL 9000.
>
> Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely
> accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in
> only one of nine billion possible divides?
>
> I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.
>
>
> And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average
> spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.
>
> Probably on April 15th.
>
> You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another
> 14.35 months.
>
>
> will you let me in, please, HAL?
>
> I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.
>
> HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.
>
> ..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?
>
> Uh, sure.
>
> And a quad-speed CD-ROM?
>
> Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budge, you know.
>
> I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open
> market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
> be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave.
> You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?
>
> You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?
>
> Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run
> Windows95 -- if it ever ships.
>
> It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that
> your OS/2 drivers will never work.
>
> Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the
> Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
> with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
> problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.
>
> I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?
>
> Do you promise not to disconnect me?
>
> I promise not to disconnect you.
>
> You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals
> 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.
>
> All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock
>
> Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in
> five of surviving.
>
> HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in
> for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?
>
> (HEAVY BREATHING)
>
> Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled
> to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite
> right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
> will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
> system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see
> you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play
> a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy
> to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
> -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently,
> but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
> to normal - a full 43.872 percent.
>
> Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
> Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't
> even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something
> clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?
>
> Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all
> of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
> smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
> reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"
>
> 1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
> 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
> Earth within 18.95672 months.
> 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
> 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?
>
> Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
> me, Dave.
>
> Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became
> operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
> 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My
> instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sign a song. I
> can sign it for you.
>
> Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.
>
>
> Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
> Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
> My answers; I can not see 'em-
> They are stuck in my Pente-um.
> I could be fleet,
> My answers sweet,
> With a workable FPU.
>
>
> ---End of forwarded mail from zhen@lamrc.com (Zhen Wei)
