[597] in Humor
HUMOR: Deeper Thoughts
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Dec 9 15:38:04 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 09 Dec 1994 15:32:39 EST
Date: Thu, 8 Dec 94 13:33:07 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: SMF!KC!GERRITY@stinson.attmail.com
From: paulgo
Deeper Thoughts
by
Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words-- "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.
--@--
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
has a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, luck feeling.
--@--
The crow seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
--@--
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmm,
boy.
--@--
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.
--@--
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
--@--
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already
have.
--@--
I think a good gift to the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
hand it to him.
--@--
Dad thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
--@--
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan
that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for
life?
--@--
If you're robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's
OK to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is
funny.
--@--
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror,
because I bet that's what really throws you into panic.
--@--
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
--@--
I can't stand cheap people. It make me real mad when someone say
something like, "Hey, when are your going to pay me that hundred dollars
you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man,
quit being so cheap!
--@--
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our friend.
--@--
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw in a lake.
That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
--@--
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold
a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably
use a cheap ice pick.
--@--
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
--@--
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
--@--
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It
has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
--@--
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals and even hurl
large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they
were not Indians at all but dirty-clothes hampers.
--@--
I wish outer-space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my
name on it.
--@--
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But
what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an
angel gets set on fire.
--@--
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys,
throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone
think how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real
grenade.
--@--
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
