[564] in Humor
HUMOR: Catholic Humor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Nov 23 14:04:51 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 1994 14:00:59 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 22 Nov 94 16:37:57
From: pug@MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 94 14:43:34 MST
From: laura@karoshi.vlsi.com (Laura Simmons)
No sapphic content. Just warped laughing
material.
- -----------------
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next sunday he took the
monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his
office after mass he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as THE BIG T
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for this is my body." He did not say
"Eat Me!"
12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry"
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeaaaaah God"
14) Next sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
Not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
- --
Three couples go to the Catholic church and ask the priest
what they must do to become Catholics.
The priest tells them that to prove their devotion to God they
must abstain from sex for one month.
So they leave and a month later they return.
The first couple approaches the priest.
"Well father," says the husband, "it wasn't easy, but we've
abstained from sex for a month and we would like to become
Catholics."
"Fine, my children," says the priest, "you are welcome in this
church."
Then the second couple approaches.
"Well father," says the husband, "it was touch-and-go, but we
held tight, abstained from sex for a month, and we'd still like to
become Catholic."
"Fine my children," he says, "you are welcome in this church."
Then the third couple approaches.
The husband hangs his head a little. "Honest father," he says,
"it was the 29th day, there she was bent over the freezer, I just
couldn't wait another minute."
"Well," the priest says in scorn, "you have not abstained from
sex for a month, you are not welcome in this church."
"Yeah," he says, "were not welcome in Star Market anymore
either."
