[545] in Humor
HUMOR: Cat-Speak
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Nov 15 15:47:13 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 15:41:59 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 94 12:47:03 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: scott_schroeder@ins.com (Scott Schroeder)
From: jjh@cisco.com (Jeffrey J. Hoover)
=== Initiate Previously Transmitted Communique ===
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise,
>
> I have three cats. Two speak normally and say 'miaow',
> but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'.
> Why is this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Cat translation dictionary
Volume I -- Common phrases
compiled by T. U. Oracle
Cat phrase Means
========== =====
miaow Feed me.
meeow Pet me.
mrooww I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my
betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
Don't wait up.
mrow I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy
the cat box.
rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness
by shoveling the contents as far out
of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow Play with me.
Miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of
available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to
play with, I shall see what happens
when I sharpen my claws on this
handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww I think I shall now spend time
licking the most private parts
of my anatomy.
mrowwwww I am now recalling, with
sorrow, that some of my private
parts did not return with me
from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have
returned home with both arms full
of groceries. I will now rub myself
against your legs and attempt to
trip you as you walk towards the
kitchen.
gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have
formed a hairball. Wherever could
this have come from? I shall leave
it here upon the carpeting.
mow Snuggling is a good idea.
moww Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
in the warm clean laundry until you
removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow! I have discovered that, although one
may be able to wedge his body through
the gap behind the stove and into that
little drawer filled with pots and pans,
the reverse path is slightly more
difficult to navigate.
Mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssRoww! I believe that I have found a
woodchuck or similar animal.
mmmrowmmm It is certain that the best tasting
fish is one you have caught yourself.
mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another
hour or so, I think I shall be
satisfied.
Mreoaw Please ask room service to send up
another can of tunafish.
Mreeeow Do you serve catnip with that?
mroow I have forced my body into a tiny
space in order to look cute.
How'm I doin?
Miaooww! Mriaow! Since you are using the can opener,
I am certain that you understand the
value of a well-fed and pampered
cat. Please continue.
As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately
distinguish some of these forms.
You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable
thumb.
