[535] in Humor
HUMOR: One-Liners
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Nov 11 19:42:05 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 19:38:06 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Sounds like Steven Wright humor...
-Drew
Date: Fri, 11 Nov 1994 17:57:36 -0500
From: Erik Nygren <nygren@MIT.EDU>
From: barch@artemis.arc.nasa.gov (Duct-tape Don Barch)
Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth. On the back it
said, "wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" No, I made a couple of mistakes.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Alot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My dental hygenist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to
be on the road an hour."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.
