[3626] in Humor
HUMOR:Chili Cook-off
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Reign in Blood)
Mon Mar 11 16:41:05 2002
Message-Id: <200203112139.QAA17928@way-mo-money.mit.edu>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 16:39:46 -0500
From: Reign in Blood <descentr@MIT.EDU>
You may have already seen this one.
But oh man, how good it gets near the end!
(hey anna, you think that fish was spicy??)
CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first
two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
you who
may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually
have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome!
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a the
last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by
the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my
face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me
brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on
it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I
can't feel
my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn
shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my
stomach.
