[352] in Humor
HUMOR: What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL?
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Jul 12 10:31:43 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 12 Jul 94 10:26:29 EDT
Date: Tue, 5 Jul 94 14:02:43 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From rocky@Cadence.COM
In article 38ba@clarinet.com, cwc@pseserv2.magec.com (Chris Carter) writes:
>
> (Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
> Picks'.)
>
> The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
> ----------------------------------
> Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
> banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not
> out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
> mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid-
> chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
> in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
>
> We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
> Right.
>
> Our General Principles:
> 1. Any animal is better than any human.
> 2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
> 3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
> minorities are better than any other human.
> 4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
> guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
> crimes against the Earth.
> 5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
>
> Some Special Cases:
> 1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
> 2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower
> than whale doodoo.
>
> And so, the Rankings:
>
> 1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
> 2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
> Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
> Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
> Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
> 6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
> 7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
> 8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
> 9. Detroit Lions
> Indianapolis Colts
> 11. Washington Native Americans
> 12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
> 13. Cleveland Players Of Color
> 14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
> 15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
> 16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
> 17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
> Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
> 19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
> 20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
> 21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
> 22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
> 23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
> 24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
> 25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
> 26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
> 27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
> 28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
>
> Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's.
> Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
> Learn the difference.
>
> --
> -Chris
>
> Chris Carter
> Software Engineer, AFATDS
> Magnavox Electronic Systems Company
> 1313 Production Road MS 10-06
> Fort Wayne, Indiana 46808
> (219) 429-7624 * uunet!netwrk!pseserv2!cwc * cwc@pseserv2.magec.com
> --
