[351] in Humor
HUMOR: The ultimate away message
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Jul 12 10:30:32 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 12 Jul 94 10:24:14 EDT
Date: Tue, 5 Jul 94 14:07:26 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Destined to become a classic bit of humor! ;-)
-Scott
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[other fwds removed]
From: STAR::DIPIRRO "Not playing with a full DEC 10-May-1994 1451"
10-MAY-1994 14:54:43.81
Subj: Auto Reply from Watch_Mail for 6-MAY-1994 19:00 to 13-MAY-1994 19:00
Hi. I cannot respond to your mail right now as I'm at DECUS in
New Orleans, hoping that something will be left when I return so that
I can get my expenses reimbursed. I'm sure you wish you were in my shoes
right now, face to face with thousands of our customers, explaining our
strategy and convincing them of our bright future. Fortunately, the bars
are open very late in New Orleans. Not to worry though. I've been
working on my customer speech... "Stay the course.....A thousand points
of light....."
DECUS is crawling with Digital VPs and Bob Palmer himself this
year. I am disguised as one of them, wearing expensive suits and that
certain facial expression which seems to say "je ne sais croix."
I'll miss you all during my lonely week away from home. My
vigilant patrol of Bourbon Street, spreading the Digital story to the
rich and famous and to the dregs of society for all hours of the night,
will hopefully yield the Q4 gains we so desperately need! I will cover
every inch of every dark corner of Bourbon Street for this worthy cause
(applaud here)!
I am involved with so many hundreds of things that I can't hope
to guess what your mail might be about. I'll try to cover some of the
possibilities below, hopefully suggesting an appropriate course of
action on your part until I return on the 16th.
CSPL info -
Try contacting Anne (EVMS::RIX) McElearney, Jim (EVMS::) Goddard, or
Burns (SKYLAB::) Fisher for technical info or Steve (STAR::SNOYES)
Noyes for management info.
Debug tools info -
For WATCHPOINT, contact Jim Goddard. For XDELTA, DELTA, SDA, or
BUGCHECK, better wait until Richard Sayde and I return from DECUS.
STAR::CSPL or STAR::EXTENDED-VAX membership -
Try Burns Fisher for STAR::CSPL. Otherwise, I'll take care of it
as soon as I return.
Award notification -
Hey, thanks. I'm honored and will place it with all the others.
Thanks again. But let me remind you that all these awards are
unnecessary.
My personal job satisfaction is really all the reward I need.
General praise not covered elsewhere -
It's much appreciated. I know...I know...But what can I say.
Really, it was my pleasure to help out. It's just my nature to
give and give and give and never expect anything in return.
Disciplinary action -
It wasn't me. They made me do it. It's not mine. I don't know what
you're talking about. She said she was 18. The check's in the mail.
The dog ate it.
Gardening questions -
Your cool-weather plants should be planted by now. That includes
peas, potatoes, broccoli, lettuce, greens, etc. Prepare soil
now for Memorial Day plantings of warm-weather crops, such as
tomatoes, eggplant, peppers, summer squash, and most other
veggies and flowers. Add composted manure (I'm partial to
chicken myself).
The way to muscle beach -
___\
/ --/
_ | |
It's thatta way ____/ \_| |
__________|
Septic system questions -
If your toilet is continuously running, it may be a simple
adjustment to the floating ball valve. It could also be a bad
seal, letting water escape from the tank into the bowl. If your
problem is a backup, apparent blockage, gurgling sounds during
flushing, etc., this may be a problem with your septic line or
septic system. You should also make sure the system is properly
vented (no blockage in the vent pipe).
You'll need to locate and pull the cover off the septic tank.
If you see a solid mass which you can't break through with a
sledge hammer, it may be time to get the tank pumped out. A thin
layer of sludge at the top is common. Try flushing the toilet
and watching what happens. Excess fluid should run from the
tank to the leach field while solids remain in the tank. Look
for excess oil or grease in the tank. If little flows out of
the house pipe into the tank, you may need to clean the line.
If you can remove the cap on the pipe inside the house, you can
run a plumber's snake from there out to the tank. You can also
rent a contraption which hooks to a water hose and uses water
pressure to "blow the pipe." This will clear stuff out of the
pipe that the plumber's snake simply pushes around. If you have
the chance to watch what happens on the tank side when you blow
the pipe, do it. You won't forget it.
Info on strange diseases and physical abnormalities -
If this is a question about something I have personal experience
with, I'll answer as soon as I return. Otherwise, you'll have
to seek professional help. My experience includes measles,
mumps, chicken pox, shingles, german measles, allergies,
sinusitis, deviated septum, nosebleeds, dizziness, losing
consciousness, twitches and ticks, pulled and torn muscles,
broken bones, hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome, unusual
bleeding, high blood pressure, gas, shin splints, ear wax,
asthma, dandruff, athlete's foot, ingrown toenails, back pain,
pinched nerves, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting.
Ants, termites, rodents, bats, snakes, and other household pest questions -
If you keep an entire ecosystem such as this living within the
walls and ceilings of your house like I have, the system is
maintenance free!
Corporate strategy (for SLT members only) -
Since most SLT members are at DECUS anyway, I'll provide my
insight on the strategy in that forum.
Child rearing advice -
Actually, when it comes to "child-rearing", Michael Jackson
is the expert. But seriously, like me, my boys are perfect
gentlemen, and they would like to meet your daughters.
Questions on investing -
If you had seen my house or car lately, you wouldn't be asking me.
