[3420] in Humor
HUMOR: Some Montana Info You Need
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Charles E Leiserson Jr)
Thu Mar 15 18:29:52 2001
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Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 18:29:39 -0500
From: Charles E Leiserson Jr <locutus@MIT.EDU>
Issued by the Montana Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Californians and
Northeastern Urbanites:
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1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Martin's Cafe.
It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, and chicken
fried steak the rest of the time. Let them cook something they
know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your
ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Big Timber, Wilsall,
Kremlin, Gilford, Hamen, Darby, Higgins, Sixteen, Two Dot and
Clyde Park etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass. You can
laugh at Clinton, but remember we also have Victor.
3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here it's called
Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Many of us are more literate than you.
Many of us are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living up
here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment
from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move
to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to
do that, we would kick their ass.
6. Don't laugh at our Jackelopes. Anything that inspires tourists to
buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Billings don't
point at the genitalia on the giant buffalo or we'll kick your
ass.
7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut
the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here
or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare
like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's
sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't try to fake a western accent. We don't have an accent. Do
NOT mention Laramie, as that will incite a riot and you will get
your ass kicked.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like
Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If
you don't like it here, Delta Airlines is ready when you are. Move
your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11. Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care.
If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when
it's 10 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in New
York Harbor. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house or
we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that most of Montana is flat and that there aren't
enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick
your ass all the way back to Cleveland.
13. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or
they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the
prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA.
Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how
the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and
you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit in the Treasure State!
Be seeing you,
- Ricky
