[3415] in Humor
Breaking News :-) (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Ashish Mishra)
Wed Mar 7 23:43:27 2001
Message-Id: <200103080443.XAA20602@baans.mit.edu>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2001 23:43:03 -0500
From: Ashish Mishra <ashm@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
>
> Microsoft Test Nuclear Device
>
> MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY
>
> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
> Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a
> secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at
> 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with
> talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
> possible antitrust action.
>
> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
> any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
> that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears
> shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath
> of nuclear fire."
>
> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
> dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
> Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
> was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
> bike vacation."
>
> In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would
> boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
> President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
> lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
> administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
> with Microsoft.
>
> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
> justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
> Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
> "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
> "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
> copies of Microsoft Bob."
>
> Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
> operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
> Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator inside of every Pentium III
> microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
> written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what
> they deserve."
>
> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would
> explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run
> so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in
> electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should
> finally dispel those stories about cold fusion."
>
> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
> California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
> doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to
> the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be
> holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
> the moment."
>
> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
> rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
> deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was
> the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
> hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product
> a second time."
>
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
