[3408] in Humor
air traffic control
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Martha H Greenberg)
Mon Feb 19 13:02:16 2001
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Martha H Greenberg <marthag@MIT.EDU>
Date: 19 Feb 2001 12:59:00 -0500
Message-ID: <n71ae7ipna3.fsf@small-gods.mit.edu>
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 2001 20:09:04 EST
From: garry <garrry@usa.net>
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Subject: air traffic control NJJF
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The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach
speed was just a little too fast.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the
light to return to the airport.
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored
into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock
and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle
though."
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7;
did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got that
Fokker in sight!"
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get
there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt. Speed bird 206, clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground: With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you never
flown to Frankfurt before?!"
Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of
Boeing... I didn't stop."
--------========******** ??? ********========-------
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any
longer):
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost
the bloody war!"
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