[337] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Short Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jun 16 23:50:19 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 23:44:17 EDT
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 13:27:46 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: Rollerblade Barbie - clari.feature.dave_barry #266
In article <CqsBFE.MFz@clarinet.com>, brad@clarinet.com writes:
> Dave Barry reports that he has found a Rollerblade Barbie for his
> experiments, and he thanks all for their generous help, but there is
> no need to hunt further.
>
> --
> Brad Templeton, publisher, ClariNet Communications Corp.
> The net's #1 electronic newspaper (circulation 60,000) -- info@clarinet.com
- -------------------------------
From: ruthf@VNET.IBM.COM
Someone once asked Gilbert (as in Gilbert and Sullivan) to make up
a rhyme using cassowary and Timbuktu, to which Gilbert replied:
If I were a cassowary in Timbuktu
I'd eat a missionary, and his hymn book too.
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This sounds almost as good as another trick I heard: keep saying "What!?"
and make them talk (or pant) louder and louder. :)
From: neuhold@dke.univie.ac.at (Karin Neuhold)
From: Evelyne Pichler <pichler@edvvie.edvg.co.at>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: bpa@netcom.netcom.com (Bradley P. Allen)
Subject: Communication skills
This morning the phone rings, at a time that I usually don't get any
calls.
"Hello?"
In the background, I hear office sounds: typewriters, murmuring voices.
Then someone starts panting.
On a whim, I start panting in response, then stop.
The person on the other end stops, briefly resumes panting, then stops
again.
So I start barking.
Then they start barking.
Then I hang up.
No one calls back.
Huh.
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From jdhinter@MIT.EDU Wed Jun
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
The following paragraph appeared in the Course Notes for [MIT course]
6.170 (Undergraduate Software Engineering course -- taken
usually as a sophomore) under the section heading "Defensive
Programming":
The word "bug" is in many ways misleading. Bugs do not
crawl unbidden into our programs. We put them there.
DON'T THINK OF YOUR PROGRAM AS "HAVING BUGS;" THINK OF
YOURSELF AS HAVING MADE A MISTAKE. Bugs do not breed in
programs. If there are many bugs in a program, it is
because the programmer has made many mistakes. You
should never be proud when you track down a bug in your
own program. It's like finding a cockroach in your
kitchen. You should be embarrassed and upset that it was
there in the first place.
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From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
I admit to being ambivalent about the name "Newton". It reminds me of
the stories you eventually hear about old Isaac, particularly the less
pleasant ones you generally encounter later in your education. The ones
about his extreme misogyny, or the one about his loudly proclaiming on
his death bed that he was glad to be dying a virgin.
I think the phrase "dying a virgin" would be enough to stop the
entire targeted audience of the Newton from buying one.
- Garret Toomey, on physicist Isaac Newton and his nakesake, Apple's
latest computer.
Submitted by: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Apr. 6, 1994
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From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
"I hate it when they throw their bras at me - their panties. It's such
a waste. None of them fit me."
- singer Engelbert Humperdinck, discussing his female fans on the
Arsenio Hall chat show.
Submitted by: Terry Labach <terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
Apr. 17, 1994
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From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
The guest before me on the Larry King radio show is US Drug Czar
Bob Martinez. Because we are both Floridians, Larry King insists
on introducing us, which is uncomfortable for me because when Mar-
tinez was governor of Florida, I wrote an article proving, with
photographic evidence, that he is a vampire. Fortunately, Martin-
ez is too professional to say anything abouth this, and we have a
very nice chat, after which he swirls his cape around him and flies
off into the night.
Dave Barry's calendar 3/21/94
Submitted by: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
Apr. 4, 1994
--------------------------------------------------------------
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- -------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
shut.
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From: Sara Woodhull <swoodhul@us.oracle.com>
From: Doug McMahon <dmcmahon@us>
Some hilarious bits from today's WSJ (section B):
1. A Canadian has started a photo-editing serivce called "DivorceX".
Using the Photoshop program on a Mac, he removes the face of
your ex-spouse/lover/whatever from your favorite photos...
2. Police in Maryland are making the rounds of local high schools
teaching kids as part of a new campaign. No, it's not another
"just say no" anti-drug campaign -- instead, they're going
around giving kids tips on how to get arrested safely and
without violence...
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From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Sounds like an Urban Legend to me...
- -Drew
...
From: Eugen Buculei
>From the Journal American:
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative
from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and
asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back
of the room yelled: "Format C:Return". Unfortunately, the software
worked.
