[3356] in Humor
Fwd: Dilbert Newsletter 31.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Fri Nov 3 11:36:47 2000
Date: Fri, 03 Nov 2000 11:22:50 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
kris@speechcode.com, jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU,
may.tsai@worldnet.att.net, immer@MIT.EDU, jacktheflash@mediaone.net,
lfdc@mediaone.net, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com, tenn917@msn.com,
lindamarc@juno.com, bmendell@mediaone.net, nkahn@gph.com,
GDeVoe@rimco.com, celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, Courtney Nichols <crnichol@fas.harvard.edu>,
wthtx@aol.com, "mbullet@fas.harvard.edu" <mbullet@fas.harvard.edu>
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
>Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 31.0
>To: pug@MIT.EDU
>X-Mailer: 247 Exactis InformMessaging Build v1.68
>From: Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com>
>Priority: normal
>Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2000 17:43:47 MST
>
>Dilbert Newsletter 31.0
>------------------------
>
>
>To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
>From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
>Date: November 2000
>
>
>
> Highlights:
>------------------------------------------------
>- How I Spent My Summer Vacation
>- True Tales of Induhviduals
>- Cat Stretching Video
>- Dogbert Answers My Mail
>------------------------------------------------
>
>
>DNRC Update
>-----------
>
>Many of you have expressed surprise and outrage that Dogbert was
>not in the presidential debates. That's what you think. What you
>don't realize is that Al Gore is actually a robot, remotely
>controlled by Dogbert. The real Al Gore was abducted months ago
>and is being held in a safe place. The strange thing is that the
>real Al Gore is a robot too.
>
>
>
>How I Spent My Summer Vacation
>------------------------------
>
>This newsletter is a bit late because this year I took my first
>vacation ever. It was a cruise to Alaska. I will summarize it
>here so you don't need to go.
>
>Alaska is a large cold place with approximately six residents who
>would inbreed if they found each other more attractive.
>
>There was scenery.
>
>Alaska has bald eagles, which are very rare because of Rogaine(tm).
>
> >From the cruise ship you can see bears on the shore. Bears are
>about the size of a pencil eraser, at least the ones I saw. They
>might look bigger up close.
>
>If you wondered where all the senior citizens went, they were on my
>cruise ship. That was fine with me; when I'm in bear country I
>like to be surrounded by people who can't outrun me. And it was
>fun to see the bald eagles swooping down to our deck and carrying
>off the elderly with their majestic talons. (Why those elderly
>people had majestic talons I'll never know.)
>
>The ship had a gym in the bow, with large windows. When I used the
>exercise bike I pretended that the ship was being powered by my
>pedaling. I almost passed out trying to ram a tugboat. They are
>faster than they look.
>
>The cruise ship had something they call a gambling casino. It
>wasn't the kind where you sometimes get back a small portion of
>your money. But that was okay with me because when you're in the
>middle of the ocean, and you're not the designated sailor, shoving
>money into a small hole in a colorful blinking box can be loads of
>fun.
>
>There was food.
>
>If I left anything out, drop by the house and I'll show you the
>pictures.
>
>
>Cat Stretching
>--------------
>
>My cat Sarah used to be short and stubby. Check out my streaming
>home video at Lycos Video Center to see how I upgraded her. Here's
>the URL:
>
>http://video.lycos.com/myvideocenter/viewvmail.asp?vm=338035&e=33KUVI9WUjIaU&r=1
>
>
>Pillows
>-------
>
>Until I obtained good taste, I thought the proper number of pillows
>for a bed was one per head. It's embarrassing to think how wrong I
>was. Thanks to the help of a professional decorator, and Pam, my
>bed now has fifteen pillows. Six of them are big honkers that look
>very impressive until they are thrown on the floor at night. Four
>of them are decorative pillows featuring the cheerful faces of
>various dogs; those go on the floor at night too. One pillow is a
>log-shaped thing called a bolster; it has no purpose that I can
>discern. Two are "Bucky(tm)" pillows that support one's neck
>should that become necessary on an emergency basis. When not in
>use, they go on the floor with the bolster.
>
>And then there are two pillows that can be used for -- of all
>things -- your head. Those stay on the bed.
>
>The bedspread somehow transmogrified into something
>Frenchy-sounding, called a duvey or doovay or something like that.
>It is so heavy that I put a lump of coal under it and I check its
>progress every few days. You can't actually sleep under it,
>especially on warm California nights, but it sure is pretty. That
>goes on the floor too.
>
>Thirteen pillows plus the doovay are strewn around the bedroom
>floor all day. I fantasize about someday making the bed just to
>see what it would look like. Or maybe I'll just spend that same
>energy building a full-scale replica of Stonehenge.
>
>I am delighted with my cornucopia of bedding because I know that
>should those beautiful items somehow find their way from the floor
>to the bed, the sight would make even the most jaded observer step
>back and say, "Wow. It must be a pain in the ass to have that many
>pillows."
>
>
>
>Incompetence Pays
>-----------------
>
>A true tale from the field...
>
>My group ordered 14 new workstations for nearly $70,000. The
>contracts person (Induhvidual) responsible for buying the PCs
>announced that she was able to negotiate a better price than we had
>indicated, saving $14,000 on the purchase. As a result of the cost
>savings, she was granted an award of $7,000, 50% of the cost
>savings. This $7,000 award came out of my group's budget.
>
>When we received the 14 workstations, we discovered how she had
>saved the $14,000. She had removed all the monitors from the
>order. We received 14 computers with no monitors.
>
>We were forced to file a new order for the 14 monitors. Since the
>monitors were not being bought as part of a package, the new price
>for the monitors came to $19,000, $5,000 more than our original
>order.
>
>The end result was that the $70,000 worth of workstations actually
>cost us $82,000, and the Induhvidual was rewarded for her good
>work.
>
>
>Looking Busy
>------------
>
>Here's an excellent method for getting paid to do nothing, courtesy
>of a devious DNRC member:
>
>Scatter some papers over your desk as though you are working on
>them. Open your middle desk drawer (directly over your lap), place
>your favorite magazine in the drawer and spend the next hour
>reading it. Put a pen in one hand and keep that hand in the
>drawer. If someone enters your office, remove the pen from the
>drawer and close it in one smooth motion.
>
>
>Two Dimensional Management
>--------------------------
>
>True story: Our senior execs decided they needed to be more
>"visible" to the unwashed masses. The solution: cardboard cutouts
>of the VPs and senior VPs in the break rooms.
>
>
>Induhviduals Speak
>------------------
>
>Here are two recent statements, both from the same Induhvidual, as
>recorded by a vigilant DNRC member.
>
>"I'm caught between a rock and a stone."
>
>"My son has a huge appetite. He has a bottomless leg."
>
>
>
>Here are some more gems, all uttered by another prolific
>Induhvidual. (I might use some of these myself someday.)
>
>
>"It's like being a monkey with chickens on your back!"
>
>"Are you too blind to remember?"
>
>"Anyone could go to that person and say, 'I need a bell on the side
>of the elephant.'"
>
>"He has too many fingers in the dike."
>
>"It's like an engineer falling out of a building."
>
>"Smooth as pie."
>
>"I have no idea what that is. Thank goodness we didn't order
>three!"
>
>"The active part is there, the proactive is not."
>
>"Same crap, different fork."
>
>
>
>Lazy Entrepreneur
>-----------------
>
>Did you ever have a great business idea but you were too lazy to do
>anything about it? It's frustrating because other people don't
>realize how brilliant you are. To the ignorant observer it appears
>you are sitting on your couch drinking soda, burping, and eating
>the remnants of potato chips off your shirt. You look lazy and
>dim-witted when in truth you are lazy and brilliant. It's totally
>unfair.
>
>That's why United Media and I created the Lazy Entrepreneur web
>site. It's a message board where you can post your brilliant and
>generally impractical ideas. Or make snide remarks about those who
>do. You'll get all the benefits of displaying your brilliance in a
>public forum while using no more energy than it takes to type. And
>no one will see the embarrassed look on your face when a stranger
>tells you your invention has existed for years and you can buy it
>at any Target store.
>
>I seeded the Lazy Entrepreneur with a bunch of my own brilliant and
>impractical ideas. For example, I'd like to see a prescription pill
>container with a built-in manual dial on the bottom, labeled for
>each day of the week, so I can use it to remember if I already took
>a pill that day. If the pill has to be taken twice a day, the dial
>would have two positions for each day. If I had a pill container
>like that I could stop worrying whether I took my pill and start
>worrying whether I remembered to turn the dial. For some reason,
>that seems better to me.
>
>If you don't want to give away your brilliant ideas, the web site
>has information on copyrights, patents, trademarks and the like.
>
>DNRC members will get an exclusive preview of the Lazy
>Entrepreneur. It won't be linked from Dilbert.com until next week,
>but you can join in the beta test by following the link below.
>
>http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/
>
>You'll have first choice of user names, and your feedback will have
>a big impact on upgrades to the site. (If you find anything that
>doesn't work, please send the report to
>lazye_bugs@unitedmedia.com).
>
>Dilbert.com Short List
>------------------------------
>The Dilbert List of the Day is now available in a short, weekly
>highlights version that you can email to a friend. You can find the
>Short Lists at:
>
>http://umweb1.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lotd/ShortList/shortlist_email.html
>
>
>For information on reprinting the Short List on your company's
>Intranet, email dgoldstein@unitedmedia.com.
>
>
>DNRC Members-only Link Icons
>----------------------------
>
>We've added a new animated DNRC link icon to the members' only page
>at:
>
>http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/membersonly.html
>
>This link is available only in the newsletter.
>
>
>Wise Crack
>----------
>
>In a recent Sunday strip, Wally's co-workers held him down while
>Catbert branded him with a hot iron. An eighth of an inch of
>Wally's butt crack was visible in the original drawing. I was
>informed that readers would complain that Wally's butt crack was
>destroying the moral fiber of the planet, so we removed the butt
>crack line from the print version and included it in the web
>version. This allows us to test the idea that exposure to cartoon
>butt cracks is bad for children. In theory, the kids who see the
>unedited web version will grow up to be serial killers, marketing
>professionals and auditors. They might even have butt cracks of
>their own, possibly using mirrors to ogle them. Or they might
>become butt crack addicts. Adult magazines might be printed that
>feature nothing but one-eighth inch black lines.
>
>The possibilities are frightening.
>
>
>
>True Tales of Induhviduals
>--------------------------
>
>Those In-duh-viduals continue to amaze and amuse us. Here now,
>some more true tales as reported by DNRC operatives in the field.
>
>True Tale 1
>-----------
>
>My boss handed me ten pages of data and asked me to scan them, use
>optical character recognition (OCR) to get them into our
>spreadsheet software and rearrange the columns to meet his needs.
>After several hours spent scanning and fixing OCR errors, I learned
>that the spreadsheets had originally been e-mailed to my boss as an
>attachment. It seems that my boss didn't remember how to rearrange
>columns using spreadsheet software so he figured it would be
>easiest to print the file and have me do it instead.
>
>True Tale 2
>-----------
>During my recent attempt to get a pay raise, part of the
>conversation went like this:
>
>Me: "I have many more responsibilities than I did when I was first
>hired, so you should pay me more."
>
>Pointy-Haired Boss: "No, because if you weren't here, we'd just do
>without the extra functions that you're performing, so why should
>we pay you to do them?"
>
>True Tale 3
>-----------
>
>I'm the webmaster at my company. I asked the PR director to give me
>the most up-to-date list of our business locations so I could
>update the web. She downloaded my web pages and gave them to me.
>
>True Tale 4
>-----------
>
>I was having trouble getting my boss to read my e-mail. Upon
>investigation he told me he got too many messages and couldn't read
>them all. I investigated further and discovered that he was using
>the alphabetical sort feature in Outlook, and since my name started
>with a "P" he never got down to my e-mails.
>
>True Tale 5
>-----------
>
>The following is the real reason dot-coms are burning money. Our
>product development team was meeting with the VP for product
>development to unveil our product. It was fully functional to the
>point of beta-testing. At the conclusion of our presentation, the
>VP responded that this was great, since he had been in discussions
>with an external IT firm about outsourcing the development. "Maybe
>we'll be able to get them to do it cheaper if they know we already
>have a working product."
>
>True Tale 6
>-----------
>
>A friend told me that his supervisor permitted the receptionist to
>make up lost time on a Saturday, when they are closed.
>
>True Tale 7
>-----------
>
>This is the real signature line of every mail one of my bosses
>sends:
>
> (Company name) ... Shiting ideas to solutions
>
>
>I think he meant shiFting.
>
>
>True Tale 8
>-----------
>
>My high school French teacher isn't the sharpest crayon in the box.
>She was playing a French song off the Internet, and the class
>wanted to know who the band was. She looked at the computer for a
>minute, walked to the chalkboard and promptly wrote: MP3.
>
>True Tale 9
>-----------
>
>Sometimes, Induhvidualism can work out for the best.
>
>I work at a movie theatre chain that has been sold to another movie
>theatre chain. Technically, everyone in my company is being laid
>off. Per company policy, all employees will be receiving severance
>pay before going back to the *exact same* jobs they had before the
>switch.
>
>True Tale 10
>-----------
>
>An example from our bright travel department:
>
>"Regarding your travel request for Nashville. You are looking at a
>Southwest flight at 1740. Would this be a.m. or p.m.?"
>
>
>True Tale 11
>-----------
>
>One day on the way to work my wife and I passed by a park and saw
>an Induhvidual cleaning up trash in the park using one of those
>"garbage harpoons" and a bucket.
>
>We watched her walk along, picking up garbage and smoking her
>cigarette as she went. Just as I started to say how dedicated she
>must be for not even stopping her work for a smoke break, she took
>the cigarette butt from her mouth and flicked it on the ground and
>continued cleaning, leaving the cigarette butt smoldering on the
>ground behind her.
>
>
>True Tale 12
>-----------
>
>
>Here is a wonderful and true story about how the bureaucratic mind
>works.
>
>I live in California, and the large building I work in is cooled by
>drawing in outside air during the months of June and May. (This
>saves lots of money because the huge air conditioner remains off.)
>
>But one June day it was unseasonably hot, so I called the
>maintenance department to come and turn on the large roof-mounted
>air conditioner. The following conversation is a jewel.
>
>ME: It is very hot and uncomfortable in this building. Will you
>please turn on the air conditioning?
>
>HER: Uh, we always leave the air-conditioning off during this
>month.
>
>ME: Yes, I know. But it is hot outside, and worse inside.
>
>HER: I am sorry, but this is just part of our yearly program. We
>don't use air conditioning in June.
>
>ME: But it is getting unbearable in here.
>
>The above exchange was repeated several times, and finally, with
>some irritation in her voice, she delivered the following, and hung
>up.
>
>HER: Sir, I am sorry you are uncomfortable over there, but we only
>control the air-conditioning; we have no control over the weather!
>
>
>True Tale 13
>-----------
>
>An angry Induhvidual recently accused me of "cheating" at our
>various work meetings. I asked how. The Induhvidual replied that,
>"You always prepare for our meetings and that gives you an unfair
>advantage."
>
>
>Dogbertian Poll
>---------------
>
>Dogbert might have inspired this idea. Someone recently spammed a
>bunch of people with a message that asked them to call a 900 number
>to vote on the issue of whether spam was a good thing or a bad
>thing. It only cost you $1.50 per minute to complain about spam.
>
>
>
>Dogbert Answers My Mail
>-----------------------
>
>In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to
>answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have
>been changed to make them funnier.
>
>Dear Mr. Adams,
>
>I am studying Social Communication in Argentine. I wonder if you
>could send by e-mail all the information about people who work in
>offices, the relationship between them and the work environment and
>also about office design.
>
>I wish you could send all the information you can get by e-mail
>otherwise you can send me a list of bibliography to search
>information about the topics in Spanish.
>
>I beg you to answer in a short time, my e-mail.
>
>Romero
>
>
>Dear Remora,
>
>I'm glad you begged. People in the United States are too proud to
>get right down on all fours and whimper when they want something.
>I will send the information you requested right away. If you don't
>see it within a day, call my 900 number and complain. It is only
>$1.50 per minute.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Dogbert
>
>
>----
>
>
>Dear Mr. Adams,
>
>I THINK YOUR CARTOONS ARE LOUSY,
>PLEASE STOP SMOKING THAT DAMN CRACK!
>
>Anonymous
>
>
>
>Dear Ahmamouse,
>
>Mr. Adams resents that comment. He has been known to erase crack
>to satisfy editors but he never smokes them.
>
>
>Sincerely,
>
>
>Dogbert
>
>
>---
>
>Dear Mr. Adams,
>
>My Latin teacher gives us extra credit if we bring in anything that
>contains one or more of our 'daily phrases,' such as 'Ad Hoc,'
>'Ante Meridian,' and 'Circa.' I was wondering if you could make me
>a cartoon including many Latin phrases that would still be used
>today. This would be a big help.
>
>
>Abe
>
>
>
>Dear Ape,
>
>Latin is what's known as a dead language. It got that way because
>every time a Latin student asked for a special cartoon he was slain
>by a hideous monster that lived under his bed. I'm not saying that
>will happen to you, right away. Anyway, here's a little story that
>uses your daily phrases.
>
>My poor Irish ante Meridian was broke. So she circa the block in
>her hometown of Unum until she saw a fish fall from the back of a
>fish delivery truck. It was a carpe worth ten cents. She thought
>that that carpe diem would get her out of hock, or at least reduce
>it, but she used so much gas driving in circa that it turned out to
>be an ad hoc situation. So she ate a potato and went to visit her
>niece, Pati O'Furniture who lived in the town of Pluri. She took
>the E Pluri Bus from Unum.
>
>
>Sincerely,
>
>
>Dogbert
>
>
>
>
>Dilbert Fodder
>---------------
>
>What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
>it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
>involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
>dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
>consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
>
>And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
>
>And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
>mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
>scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
>
>
>How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
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>
>Scott Adams
>scottadams@aol.com
>
>
>All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the
>exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will
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>
>Please do not reply to dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sharalee M. Field, Planning Analyst
Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office
Harvard University
60 John F. Kennedy Street, Cambridge MA 02138
V: 617.495.8257 F: 617.495.8989 C: 617.512.7847
