[3343] in Humor
Presidential Debate Transcript
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jon Sheffi)
Tue Oct 17 23:28:51 2000
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000 23:27:35 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu
From: Jon Sheffi <jsheffi@MIT.EDU>
>Presidential Debate Transcript
>
>Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
>President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed
>on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
>question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to
>undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to
>respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into
>voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper
>softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for
>three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore,
>can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
>his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
>Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love
>the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage,
>the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants
>to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other
>hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so
>they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here
>tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one
>by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and
>personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
>Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people,
>crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.
>I want
>to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
>opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
>Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan
>Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be
>able to pronounce his name?
>Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy
>and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
>that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
>present
>me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me
>which
>one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
>foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with
>New Mexico.
>Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested
>in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of
>poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
>War. And
>when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a
>way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted
>with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any
>threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because
>the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple
>metaphors.
>Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
>system?
>Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
>proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
>senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
>penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
>trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens
>can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a
>federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
>Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
>Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have
>to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
>going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds
>to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
>Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
>Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
>will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the
>White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
>Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing
>no one but Republicans.
>Lehrer: Good night.
