[332] in Humor
HUMOR: Airport Ticket Agent Terminology
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jun 16 15:23:33 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 15:04:13 EDT
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 18:36:26 -0600
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
...
From: nick@heimdall.med.harvard.edu (Nick Beeson)
This was given to me by an Continetal airline gate attendant
at Newark International Airport. We had been standing around
chatting for a couple of hours while a plane was flown in to
take me on a MUCH delayed flight.
This was on-line, on his computer at the counter at
the gate. After he read it to me I expressed a wish that I
could have a printout. Lo-and-behold he had a dot matrix
printer under the counter and made a printout for me on the
spot.
I suspect that this is quite old since the printout
was all upper case, and did not have quotes, parenthesis, or
apostrophes.
Nick Beeson
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CO DATA PAGE TERMINOLOGY CAT:BTN SUB:DES PGE:TRM
As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work
has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are
some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.
PASSENGER -
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found
in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent
in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or
confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line."
This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in
inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD -
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD -
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION -
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are
in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant
uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class
free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to
pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP - A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits
in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes
before departure, or until there are no seats left together,
whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form
pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN - An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small
children. Its primary function is to hide the location of
various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms,
baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED -
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when
interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
BAGGAGE CLAIM -
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually
hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG -
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to
fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight.
Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not
acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks,
refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME -
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG - A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an
airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is
controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers.
The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played,
but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for
passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT -
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability
of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller,
the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a
diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control
wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are
capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking
on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue.
In later life they may be found in parks carrying on mysterious
conversations with themselves.
