[331] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave - Warning! Read This First!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jun 16 15:20:08 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 15:14:31 EDT
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 19:02:47 -0600
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
From: Richard Johnson <Richard.Johnson@Colorado.EDU>
READ THIS FIRST!
by Dave Barry
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T CALL
1-800-USA-4SUN, and READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE! YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT
AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW
YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ
THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the
consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in
writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull
is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's
talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into
outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA
MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS
MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that
ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee,
Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing
inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality
Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony
that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WANRING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If
you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the
latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group,
which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances,
developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is
Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary
new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near
an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp
handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN
BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next
taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!
However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance
action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between
now and Thursday afternoon at shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
