[3319] in Humor
Seen this??? (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Matthew Weed)
Tue Sep 19 15:10:23 2000
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 15:00:16 -0400 (EDT)
From: Matthew Weed <weed@galaxy.med.yale.edu>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." Tao
Te Ching Matthew Weed <weed@galaxy.med.yale.edu>
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 19:52:23 +0100
From: Grace Bowman <geb@totalise.co.uk>
To: Matthew Weed <weed@galaxy.med.yale.edu>
Subject: Seen this???
MEMO FROM THE SECRETARY OF ENERGY
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican
Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area,
we're being forced to tighten up just a bit. Effective
Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk
drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no
longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary
during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know
this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign
of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault"
will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that
security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya,
North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to
wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning
Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag
that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers
will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations
will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web
sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks .com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be
maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and
higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on
their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's
room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and
laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome
instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the
front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on
zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home
small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in
those "little weekend projects around the house." That
includes you parents who are helping the kids with their
science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will
be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve.
We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from
the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and
compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all
employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the
janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times
on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this
crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you,
but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative,
all 34 1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely, Bill
