[3198] in Humor
HUMOR:Jellyfish up your ass
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Freak on a Leash)
Thu May 4 22:20:25 2000
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 04 May 2000 22:20:11 -0400
From: Freak on a Leash <descentr@MIT.EDU>
If you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy...
Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won
the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
=======================
April 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know,
my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It
then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the
air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber
decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear
were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out,
but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut!
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction
hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you
have a bad day at the office, think of me. Then think about how much worse
your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you,
Tom
