[3163] in Humor
Fwd: Fw: buying a modern swim suit]
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Beth Dubeck)
Tue Apr 11 14:41:55 2000
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 14:36:56 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu, jbenincasa@sprynet.com, CCaaders@aol.com, cmccall@bu.edu,
David.T.McCall.9@nd.edu, oymrome@dreamscape.com, pbdubeck@CYBERNEX.NET,
fdubeck@borg.com, mkmccall@aol.com, t99cat@aol.com, juniper267@aol.com,
Centra@moa.bc.edu, ariels@mit.edu, ruadh@mit.edu, paulhanley@juno.com,
x0tkenn@vm.stlawu.edu, <tcvanesi@yahoo.com>
From: Beth Dubeck <bdubeck@MIT.EDU>
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>From: "Jenni Conning" <tuba_on_skis@hotmail.com>
>To: b_laird@yahoo.com, bdubeck@MIT.EDU, cfoss@gonzaga.edu, me1540@juno.com,
> black_cat21@hotmail.com, dkiren@hotmail.com, jdipnar@hotmail.com,
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> vitalykushnir@yahoo.com, zsingson@rice.edu
>Subject: Fwd: Fw: buying a modern swim suit]
>Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 12:11:59 MDT
>
>
>
>>
> >> Buying a Bathing Suit
> >>
> >> I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
> >> humiliation
> >> known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1940s, the
> >> bathing
> >> suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a
> >> mature figure: boned, trussed, and reinforced, not so much sewn as
> >> engineered.
> >> They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a darn good job.
> >> Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
> >> figure
> >> chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice - she can either
> >> front
> >> up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt,
> >> coming
> >> away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or
> >> she can
> >> wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a
> >> sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of FLEXIBLE
> >> rubber
> >> bands. What choice did I have?
> >> I wandered around, made my sensible choice, and entered the chamber of
> >> horrors known as "The Fitting Room". The first thing I noticed was the
> >> extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra
> >> used in
> >> bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small
> >> rockets
> >> from a slingshot, giving the added bonus that if you manage to
> >> actually lever
> >> yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
> >> for this
> >> is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
> >> immediately
> >> suffer whiplash.
> >> I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
> >> strap
> >> into place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared. Eventually
> >> I
> >> found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the
> >> other.
> >> At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is
> >> that
> >> modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to
> >> wear
> >> her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my
> >> speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view
> >> assessment. The
> >> suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me
> >> willing to stay
> >> inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and
> >> sides.
> >> I looked like a lump of Play-Doh wearing undersize cling wrap.
> >> As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
> >> prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh, they
> >> are sooo YOU!" she said, admiring the suits. I replied that I wasn't
> >> so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
> >> I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
> >> masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
> >> oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of
> >> leopard-skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like
> >> Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and
> >> looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
> >> I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high-cut leg I thought I
> >> would have to
> >> wax my eyebrows to wear it. Finally I found a suit that fit. A two-
> >> piece affair, with shorts-like bottoms and a halter top. It was
> >> cheap, comfortable
> >> and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the
> >> label, which
> >> said, 'Material may become transparent in water,' but I'm determined
> >> to wear
> >> it anyway.
> >>
> >> I just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.
>
>
>
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