[3079] in Humor
Administratum
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Beth Dubeck)
Sun Jan 16 22:11:44 2000
Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 22:04:24 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, jbenincasa@sprynet.com, CCaaders@aol.com, cmccall@bu.edu,
David.T.McCall.9@nd.edu, oymrome@dreamscape.com, pbdubeck@CYBERNEX.NET,
fdubeck@borg.com, mkmccall@aol.com, t99cat@aol.com, juniper267@aol.com,
Centra@moa.bc.edu, ariels@MIT.EDU, ruadh@MIT.EDU, paulhanley@juno.com,
x0tkenn@vm.stlawu.edu, <tcvanesi@yahoo.com>, tuba_on_skis@hotmail.com
From: Beth Dubeck <bdubeck@MIT.EDU>
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have: 1
neutron. 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons 111 assistant
vice-neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are
held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons,
Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it
impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take
four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one
second. Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass
actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other
laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in
the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point
out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration
and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to
accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how. Administratum can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
