[3058] in Humor
Re: Preparedness isn't necessarily a bad idea
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Matt Braun)
Sat Jan 1 15:09:03 2000
From: Matt Braun <matt@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2000 15:06:45 -0500
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Joe.Nicholson.@f211.n1000.z52.warpgate.com (Joe Nicholson ) writes:
> Steve wrote:
>
> > It might not be tonight, but eventually someone's going to get a
> > hurricaine, nor'easter, earthquake, big snowstorm or even just a
> > blackout after a storm and we'll need a lot of these things anyway.
>
>
> NEWS ANNOUNCER: Good evening. Our top story tonite is Tropical
> depression Vinny, which is shaping up to be the most deadly potential
> natural disaster ever to strike this nation since last week when
> Tropical Depression Ursula came within just 1,745 miles of the
> American soil before veering off and inflicting an estimated $143.00
> worth of damage on the Azores. For more on Vinny, let's go straight
> to the FearPlex WeatherCenter, where meteoroligist Dirk Doppler, in
> anticipation of a long nite of escalating tension, has already
> applied 75 cubic feet of Rave Extra Hold hairspray.
>
> METEOROLOGIST: Thank you, Bill. As we can see from this satellite
> photograph taken from space, right now Vinny is located at a latitude
> of 36.8 degrees centigrade and is projected to follow a path that,
> according to our computer model, could potentially take it directly
> to any of the 13 original colonies as well as Florida, Kentucky,
> Oklahoma, Canada and western Europe. We are urging everybody
> within the potentially affected areas to become extremely nervous,
> because this potentially has the potential to become a Catagory Seven
> storm, which means a storm capable of yanking the udder right off a
> standing cow.
>
> ANNOUNCER: What is your best guess at this point, Dirk?
>
> METEOROLOGIST: Without creating undue alarm, Bill, I would say there
> is no hope for human survival on this planet.
>
> ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Dirk. We go now to reporter Crystal Baroque,
> who has been standing by at the Homeowner Hell megastore. Crystal?
>
> REPORTER: Bill, as usual with storms of this potential, there are
> long lines of people waiting to buy plywood. Sir, how long have you
> been here?
>
> CUSTOMER: I've been waiting 17 hours, but it's worth it, to get
> plywood. Whenever there's a storm, I hear these voices telling me,
> "Irving! Go get plywood!" And I don't even have a home!I just have
> a big pile of plywood.
>
> REPORTER: I see.
>
> CUSTOMER: Also, my name isn't "Irving. "
>
> REPORTER: Back to you, Bill.
>
> ANNOUNCER: In another important tradition, the supermarkets are
> jammed with panicked consumers buying bottled water, as you see in
> the videotape that we have shown during every potential storm since
> 1973. Now let's go back to the FearPlex WeatherCenter for an update
> from meteorologist Dirk Doppler.
>
> METEOROLOGIST: Bill, as you can see from this satellite photograph,
> Tropical Depression Vinny has not moved at all, which means we are
> now expanding the potential disaster area to include mainland China.
> The satelitte is also reporting the entire planet Earth is surrounded
> by a cold, airless void extending for trillions of miles in all
> directions. It looks very bad, Bill.
>
> ANNOUNCER: We now go to the National Hurricane Center, where we'll
> be speaking with the director, Harmon Wankel, who has been sitting in
> the same chair for 68 straight hours without food or sleep, staring
> into bright lights while being relentlessly interviewed by TV news
> people about this potential storm. Harmon, what's the latest word?
>
> HURRICANE CENTER DIRECTOR: I hope you all die.
>
> ANNOUNCER: Thank you. Now we're going to the White House, where we
> understand President Clinton is about to make an emergency
> statement.
>
> THE PRESIDENT: As you can tell by my sad moony face, my heart goes
> out to all of those who have the potential of being devastated by
> this potentially devestating storm. I have ordered the mandatory
> evacuation of North and South America, to be enforced by strafing,
> and I have personally instructed Vice President Gore to get into a
> helicopter and fly around until everybody in his entourage is
> airsick. I am also hearby offering clemency to every convicted felon
> in New York State. Let us all bite our lips and pray that this
> terrible potential disaster proceeds directly to the home of Kenneth
> Starr.
>
> ANNOUNCER: Let's go back to the FearPlex WeatherCenter, where Dirk
> Doppler has an Urgent News Bulletin on Tropical Depression Vinny.
>
> METEOROLOGIST: Bill, according to our latest satellite images, Vinny
> is GONE! It was right here, and now pffft, there's no sign of it!
>
> ANNOUNCER: Does this mean we can stop panicking?
>
> METEOROLOGIST: Of course not. Vinny could be ANYWHERE. It could be
> IN YOUR HOUSE. Everybody should get under the bed NOW. Also we need
> to start worrying about potentially lethal Tropical Breeze Xera,
> which is forming over here. See it?
>
> ANNOUNCER: No.
>
> METEOROLOGIST: YES YOU DO! IT'S RIGHT THERE! YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!
>
> ANNOUNCER: We now go to Dan Rather, courageously standing on a beach
> wearing a slicker.
>
> ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
> --
> |WarpGate: Joe Nicholson 52:1000/211
> |Internet: Joe.Nicholson.@f211.n1000.z52.warpgate.com
> | The WarpGate Network Internet Gateway El Cajon, CA.
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