[3038] in Humor
letters to Santa
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yevgeniya Nusinovich)
Sun Dec 19 16:33:50 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 16:33:09 EST
From: Yevgeniya Nusinovich <ynusi@MIT.EDU>
Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December
and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to
ya', Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes
around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust
me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like
a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him,
bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms
that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Veterinarians and engineers make real money.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece
of the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
As ever,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has
petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking
for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my
understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me,
my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms.Barbie,
as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie
DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received
over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem,
nor The Raggedys (Ann and Andy) have dreamhouses, Corvettes,
dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the
ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously
designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to
accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for
it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative
nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken,"
"Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
considered are:"Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns),
or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my
interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell,while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms.Barbie that
she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's mine, at least that's what he said
last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
