[3001] in Humor
Fw: Angel's Joke List
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Matthew Schiller)
Sun Nov 14 20:48:00 1999
Reply-To: "Matthew Schiller" <matt2002@MIT.EDU>
From: "Matthew Schiller" <matt2002@MIT.EDU>
To: <humor@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 20:43:32 -0500
>HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
: >
: >1. Pick cat up and cradle gently in the crook of
: >your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
: forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
: pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
: mouth, pop
: pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
: >
: >2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
: Cradle cat in arm, repeat process.
: >
: >3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
: >
: >4. Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm
: holding rear paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
: to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of
: ten.
: >
: >5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
: wardrobe. Call spouse in from the back yard.
: >
: >6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
: hold front and
: >rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get
: spouse to hold
: >head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into
: mouth. Drop
: >pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
: >
: >7. Retrieve cat from curtains, get another pill from foil
: wrapper.
: >Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
: sweep
: >shattered vases from table and set to one side for gluing
: later.
: >
: >8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
: with head just
: >visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
: straw, force
: >mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
: >
: >9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
: drink glass of
: >water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouses
: forearm and remove
: >blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
: >
: >10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill.
: Place cat
: >in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head
: showing. Force mouth
: >open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with a
: rubber band.
: >
: >11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
: back on
: >hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
: date of last
: >tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from
: the bedroom.
: >
: >12. Phone the fire department to retrieve cat from tree
: across the
: >road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence
: while swerving to
: >avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.
: >
: >13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
: bind
: >tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty
: pruning gloves in
: >shed.
: >Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak.
: Hold head
: >vertically
: >and pour 2 pints of water down cats throat to wash pill
: down.
: >
: >14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit
: quietly
: >while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
: remnants from
: >right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
: table.
: >
: >15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and call the local pet
: shop to
: >see if they have any hamsters.
: >
: >HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
: >1. Wrap it in bacon.
: >
