[2957] in Humor
Computer Anecdotes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jonathan Reed)
Tue Sep 28 12:34:35 1999
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 12:24:55 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Jonathan Reed <jdreed@MIT.EDU>
Sorry if you've heard some of these before - I tried to select new ones
Back in the good old pre-PC days we sold a system that required the user to
hit Ctrl-A in order to sign on. We sold one to some outfit
in Canada. Well, trying to get them going over the phone took an hour. We'd
say, "Hit Ctrl-A," and they'd say, "Ok, we hit Ctrl, eh? And
nothing happened, eh?"
------
I worked at the computer help desk at Dartmouth College last year. Once,
one of my co-workers finished a call, then looked at me
blankly, then started laughing. The caller had spilled soda on her keyboard
and removed the bottom row of keys on her keyboard to get
the liquid out. She called us so we could tell her the order of that row of
keys.
------
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
--------
A lady bought a computer from us. About a month later, she came in and
asked us to install a sound card which can support CDROM
drives. So we installed a Soundblaster Pro for her. A week later, she
brings the machine in and starts ragging us out because her
CDROM drive isn't working, and "It won't eject the disk."
I look at the computer. "But you don't have a CDROM drive!" I exclaim. She
points at the 5 1/4" disk drive and says, "What kind of
computer salesman are you? Can't even recognize a CDROM drive when you see
one?"
It seems she had decided her 5 1/4" floppy drive was in fact a CDROM drive,
and since the CD fit in quite nicely, it had to be a
CDROM drive.
Long and short of it: the drive was destroyed, the CD was destroyed, and
all the technicians were laughing for a few hours.
----------
When working at the Blinn College computer lab I had a girl come up to the
desk and ask why her cdrom drive was not working. I went
to check it out and to my surprise she had crammed the expensive software
CD into the 5 1/4" drive. I had to take apart the drive to get
the CD out, and of course it was ruined. A week later, the same girl came
in and did it again.
------------
Customer: "How do I get the other side of the CD to play?"
------------
I work as a computer consultant at a certain university computing site...so
naturally, I was approached by a user on my day off at a site
where I don't work.
Student: "I can't write to my disk!"
Tech Support: "Let me take a look."
Student: "See! It won't let me write to the E: drive!"
Tech Support: "Um, that's a CD-ROM drive. You can't--"
Student: "But I went out and bought these disks!"
Tech Support: "Um, you need a CD-R drive to use those, and--"
Student: "But this is a CD drive!"
I explained that CD-ROM and CD-R drives use different types of lasers and
optics, that CD-Rs cost a lot more than CD-ROMs, and
that very few computers at this university have CD-Rs.
Student: "So what if I plugged this into the 220-volt line over there
and jumped up the laser's power and...."
I suggested he use a ZIP disk for his mass storage needs and exited post
haste.
---------------
Posted to comp.security.misc:
I need to kow how to disable D: write-protection. I want to delete a
very bad music CD I once
bought. Contact me with info. at [email address].
----------------
One of our clients ordered an Quadra 840AV, but they did not want the
internal CD which comes standard in that box. No problem, I
took the CD out before I delivered it to the customer. However I did not
have the blank bezel with which to cover the opening. I set the
system up for them, gave them a quick lesson on its ins and outs, and told
him I would be back in a couple of days to replace the bezel.
I returned two days later, opened up the case of the 840 to install the new
bezel and found about a dozen slips of used post-it note
papers. Upon asking the operator about it I was told that she had put them
in there because she thought that the original CD bezel, with
it's long slim opening, looked like one of those trash recepticles they
have on the ATM machines.
----------------
Customer: "Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under
warranty."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the trouble with it?"
Customer: "My wife got mad and threw it in the pool."
----------------
An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said
that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I
discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the
case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot
sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."
"Could that be the problem?" he asked.
------------------
A customer came into the store one day to return an internal modem, which
he had purchased a few days earlier. He complained that it
would not work. I took the modem out of the package and could scarcely
believe my eyes.
The card had been filed down to about half its original size.
Tech Support: "Why has this card been filed?"
Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till
it would fit."
------------------
During a college course, we were being showed how to plug all the
components of a PC together properly. Getting a little bored, I
glanced over at the student next to me fumbling with all his cords and
bending all the way over the desk to see the rear of the PC
(apparently it was too difficult for him to turn it around). While he was
doing so, I turned the brightness knob on his monitor all the
way over so that when he finally got the cables plugged in the correct
order, nothing was on his screen. I leaned over to "help." I said,
"Let me see if this works," and slapped the side of the monitor while
inconspicuously turning the brightness knob back up with my
other hand. The next time he turned around, I turned the brightness knob
back down again and left the room. When I came back, the
poor guy was beating that monitor senseless.
-------------------
Customer: "I just bought a Pentium II 300 from you, and I installed it
as the manual instructed."
Tech Support: "Let's go over the jumper settings of the board, and make
sure all the connections are correct."
Customer: "I know that is installed right. I've done this hundreds of
times."
Tech Support: "Ok, take the CPU out of the slot and reinsert it, making
sure it snaps into place."
Customer: "The CPU doesn't seem to fit properly. Why don't I just bring
this in. You will look at it, right?"
Tech Support: "Sure, no problem."
When the customer brought the motherboard and CPU in, I could not keep
myself from laughing. He had installed the CPU into an ISA
slot. He had actually cut the housing of the Pentium II CPU to make it fit.
-------------------
We sold a new Pentium to a new customer. After only a day or two it was
back in the shop. She was complaining about many errors
she was getting in Windows: a number of general protection faults, disk
read/write errors, etc. We brought the system to our shop, ran
some tests...everything checked out fine, so we sent it back.
Again a call came in from her, complaining about the same errors. We ran
some tests, everything was fine, and we sent the machine
back. By the fourth call, we decided there must be something in her office
that was causing the problems, so we asked her about
microwave ovens, etc. Nothing like that was anywhere near her computer,
according to her, so we sent a technician over to take a look.
After five minutes on site the system worked fine. The technician removed
the two dozen or so refrigerator magnets that she had been
decorating her computer with.
------------------
Customer: "Hello, yes, my system is crushed!"
Tech Support: "Crushed?"
Customer: "Yes, that is what I said, crushed."
Tech Support: "Oh, your system has crashed..."
Customer: "Yes, I cannot do anything, my mouse will not work, and I
can't see anything on the screen. I need it fixed now!"
Tech Support: "Ok, I need some history on this problem. What was the
last thing you did before the system crashed?"
Customer: "Well, after I stood on the computer to hang a picture, my
machine was crushed."
Tech Support: "Oh, so your system has been crushed..."
----------------------
Customer: "Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?"
Tech Support: "The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios."
Customer: "Well, I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer
doesn't seem to work."
Tech Support: "What did you upgrade the processor to?"
Customer: "I upgraded it to a 486DX-50."
Tech Support: "Sir...the 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!"
Customer: "I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out
and put the 486 on myself."
Tech Support: "Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286."
Customer: "I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the
extra pins together."
--------------------
Recently we had an order for a bunch cabling work. The customer specified
that the cables must be Y2K compliant.
----------------
Customer: "What's going to happen to my computer when the year 2000 hits?
Will it just not work anymore, or what?"
Tech Support: "Actually, the year 2000 problem is this: it seems most
of the computer code up until recently had been written
assuming that the first two digits in the year of any date were "19."
So basically, some of these applications, when the year 2000
rolls around, will reflect "1900," rather than "2000." Of course, there
weren't any computers around in the year 1900, and so your
computer will simply disappear."
After looking very concerned for a few seconds and saying nothing, I
reassured him I was joking.
----------------
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, is this the help desk?"
Tech Support: "Yes sir, it is; how may I help you?"
Customer: (in a very strained and excited voice) "I can't go to the
bathroom!"
Understandably, I was shocked.
Tech Support: "Sir...I am not sure what your definition of a help desk
is, but I don't believe I am qualified to help you with that
problem."
Customer: "You have to. The nearest bathroom is broken, and the toilet
is overflowing. I don't know what to do. Send someone
up to repair it."
Tech Support: "Sir, we only open do troubleshooting on computers, not
bathrooms and toilets."
Customer: "But it's the same thing!"
Tech Support: "Um, no it's not."
Customer: "It is too! It's repairing things! Now I want someone up here
right now."
Tech Support: "It's two entirely different things. Computers run on
electricity and have hundreds of parts. Toilets run on water."
Customer: "It's an emergency! Can you send someone up to fix it?"
Tech Support: "Sir, might I suggest that you use another bathroom?"
Customer: "AGH! I CAN'T USE ANOTHER BATHROOM! I HAVE TO GO NOW! GET
SOMEONE UP HERE NOW!"
I put him on hold. For about three minutes. I hate to be screamed at.
Tech Support: "Sir, I cannot. I have no way to do that. I fix
computers. Not toilets."
Customer: (rant, rant, rave, rave)
Tech Support: "I'm sorry, I really can't help you."
Customer: "Oh gosh...oh my pants!" (click)
----------------
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't
work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
-----------------
A customer needed help setting up an application. The tech referred him to
the local Egghead.
Customer: "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends."
When told that Egghead was a software store, the man replied, "Oh! I
thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
------------------
I just had a call from a woman who read to me everything in the "About Box"
for Microsoft Works for the Macintosh. Her frustration
was that every time she tried to click on the user's name in the about box
it disappeared! "How do I get rid of this woman's name," she
asked? "Well," I explained, "that's the name of the author of the program;
you can't get rid of it." "What?! You mean every time I
startup Works I'm gonna have to look at my husband's ex-wife's name?"
----------------------
Customer: "Can you make a house call today?"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, two windows aren't working properly, and one is just
plain broken."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
Customer: "Version?!? I have a 1984 Honda Accord."
---------------------
I heard this old story from someone who worked for a French company. They
had a problem with a program on punched cards written
for them by a US subsidiary. The programs never worked when loaded in
France but the US systems house swore blind that they did at
their end. Eventually, in exasperation, someone followed the working set of
cards from the US to France. At French customs, he
observed a customs official remove a few cards at random from the deck.
Apparently, the French customs are entitled to remove a
sample from any bulk item (such as grain), so a few cards from a large
consignment shouldn't matter, should it?
-----------------
Emailed to the owner of a web page:
I got here by some nefarious route. I was trying to get to [an email
address] or other similar
sites. I distinctly dislike being hijacked in cyberspace to see
something I did not ask to
see. If this happens again I will make a formal complaint to my local
federal district
attorney. Thank you. Do not do this again.
-----------------------
Being one of the people that interviews many prospective candidates for our
computer consulting company, I came across many
individuals who shouldn't have made it past the first screening process.
One was a college student for an entry-level position in web
development, and I was simply trying to ease him into demonstrating his
technical knowledge.
Me: "So tell me one of the ways in which you would try to get images to
load faster in web pages?"
Him: "I'd do it in Java."
--------------------
Friend: "I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape."
Me: "Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets
you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider
like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet."
Friend: "Oh. I guess I'll get Internet Explorer."
-------------------
On this call a customer was having problems with his fax modem. It took
fifteen minutes for me to make the guy understand the
concept that one must plug a phone line into the modem for it to work. At
the moment he grasped this concept, all I got for a response
was, "Oh, so I need to unplug my--" (click)
-----------------
Customer: "I need help with this dialer. The police have already shown up
to my office twice today."
Police? Ok, whatever.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's check out the settings. Do you have anything
entered for getting an outside line?"
Customer: "A nine."
Tech Support: "Do you need to dial a 9 for an outside line?"
Customer: "I'm not sure. I think so."
Tech Support: "Could you double check?"
Customer: "Sure. (pause) Nope. Turns out we don't need it."
Tech Support: "Ok. Then remove it. What do you have for the area code?"
Customer: "One and then [area code]."
Tech Support: "Uhm, you don't need the one. Windows 95 automatically
adds that."
Customer: "Oh. So you mean..."
Tech Support: "Yes, your computer was dialing 911 and then the phone
number."
----------------
Me: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet. Any problems there?"
Tech Support: "What lights on your modem are on?"
Me: "'Power' and 'Network'."
Tech Support: "Okthen, it's something with your system. Do you use
Netscape?"
Me: "My Linux server doesn't get a temporary IP address, and there's no
PPP0 connection."
Tech Support: "We only support Netscape."
Me: "A web browser wouldn't work. I can't even do a ping to you or
somewhere else outside my network."
Tech Support: "A ping? Are you sure you use Netscape? We only support
Netscape."
Me: "As a matter of fact, my Windows 98 machine runs Internet Explorer,
but it always worked fine. I really think something else
is wrong. A ping is a signal send to see how the connection between two
machines is. I can't seem to get a connection between you
and me."
Tech Support: "You really should install Netscape. It's on the install
disk which came with your modem."
Me: "Ok, never mind."
---------------
One employee couldn't log in to her new computer account and asked me for
help. I asked all the routine questions, including, "Are
you sure this is the right password?"
Her: (exasperated) "I'm sure it's the correct password. I typed in the
one I saw (another co-worker) use to login to her machine."
Me: "And what password was that?"
Her: "Five asterisks."
-------------
A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was
having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she
had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."
-------------
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
-------------
A company at which I once worked replaced their existing clones and XTs
with PS/2s. Users were informed to convert their data to 3
1/2 inch diskettes. One user didn't replace everything. Not to worry, as
she just folded the 5 1/4 inch floppy in half and jammed it into
the 3 1/2 inch drive.
------------
Customer: "I'm in 386 enchanted mode."
------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-----------
"That was some cool RAM in there. Pentium makes the best RAM, not like that
cheap RAM other places got!"
------------
Tech Support: "How much memory is in the computer?"
Customer: "Eight megadrives."
-------------
Tech Support: "We should use FTP to transfer this picture."
Customer: "No, we do not accept FTP, we can only use JPG."
------------
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard
drive."
--------------
The other day I walked into this little place that sells old software, old
computers, and some new software. I walked up to a sales clerk
and said, "Do you guys carry Linux?" He took one look at me (I am 15 years
old) and, not knowing what Linux was, he checked the
rack with games. I said, "No, Linux is not a game -- it's an operating
system."
He looked confused, then stuttered, "Uhhh...yeah...well check that rack,
we've got stuff like Quicken there."
--------------
Customer: "What's the difference between a SCSI scanner and a parallel
port scanner?"
Sales Clerk: "Well, SCSI has 50 pins, and parallel only has 25, so it's
twice as fast."
-------------
Customer: "I tried to use this web page from my bookmarks, but it comes
back with a DNS failure!"
Tech Support: "Can you go anywhere else?"
Customer: "YES!"
Tech Support: "Then it's probably that the web site is down for repairs
or that it's been discontinued. That happens on the
Internet."
Customer: "Well, go out and fix it! It's at [some obscure site in
Japan]."
Tech Support: "That would require me to take Japanese language lessons
for about six months. Then you will have to send me
money and plane tickets to travel to Japan to speak with the people who
shut down the web site."
Customer: "Geez, all I want is naked pictures!"
Tech Support: "Who is your supervisor, so we can make arrangements?"
Customer: "Ms. [such and such]."
Tech Support: "Ok, please hold, and we'll have a conference call..."
------------------
And the grand finale:
Tech Support: "Sir, something has burned within your power supply."
Customer: "I bet that there is some command that I can put into the
AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this."
Tech Support: "There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem."
Customer: "I know that there is something that I can put in...some
command...maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS."
Minutes later:
Tech Support: "Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a
hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can
use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as
C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer."
Pause.
Customer: "It is still smoking."
Tech Support: "I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a
patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE."
Four hours later, he calls back.
Tech Support: "Hello sir, how is your computer?"
Customer: "I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to
get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done?"
