[2841] in Humor
Demerit System
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brian T Sniffen)
Thu Jun 3 12:18:44 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Brian T Sniffen <brians@MIT.EDU>
Date: 03 Jun 1999 12:17:17 -0400
DE-MERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken-the demerit system is no longer a
mystery!)
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...
Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the
point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college
drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted
the colors of your favorite team..................-10
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ...+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself .....+30
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly..............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+1
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't care because you have one too".........-800
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...... -5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..............-40
DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?"............................................-35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-50
