[2779] in Humor
jokes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yevgeniya Nusinovich)
Mon Apr 19 23:53:34 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1999 23:51:32 EDT
From: Yevgeniya Nusinovich <ynusi@MIT.EDU>
George Carlin on:
>
>Ads in Bills:
>Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements
>in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful
>enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
>I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
>when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write,
>"Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
>--------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Fabric Softener:
>My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
>stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up
>to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark
>their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to
>get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Cripes:
>My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
>Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For
>Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The
>son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not
>making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Morning Differences:
>Men and women are different in the morning. The
>men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it.
>We just wake up and we want you. And the women
>are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the
>morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
>blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Pregnancy:
>It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
>kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you
>wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
>there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
>stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
>God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Grandma:
>My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
>that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think
>of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering
>wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she
>got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>Prisons:
>Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a
>year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand
>bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I
>live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
>windows. I don't think we should give free room and
>board to criminals. I think they should have to run
>twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
>electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest
>in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
>---------------------------------------------
>Award Shows:
>Can you believe how many award shows they have
>now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo
>Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped
>it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
>---------------------------------------------
>Phone-in Polls:
>You know those shows where people call in and
>vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's
>always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to
>call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
>"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
>phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up,
>looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up
>for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
>probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into
>phone) "I'm not in the mood."
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Answering Machine:
>Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive
>messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's
>a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope
>you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
>love.'" Beep."
>"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of
>being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
>
> Church Bulletin Bloopers:
>
>This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
>
>* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
>* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
>* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
>* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>downstairs.
>* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
>Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's
>used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
>* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
>Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
>* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
>church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
>* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
>milk will please come early.
>* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
>an egg on the altar.
>* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will
>start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
>* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
>new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come
>forward and do so.
>* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can
>be seen in the church basement Saturday.
>* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
>* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
>several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
>sinning to join the choir.
>* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
>Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
>hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
>* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
>* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev.
>Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request
>that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
>* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church
>basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
>tragedy.
>* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
>* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
>* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for
>the girth of their first child.
>* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
