[2733] in Humor
Dilbert in real life
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Laurie Ward)
Wed Mar 31 11:19:36 1999
Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 11:18:31 -0500
To: Humor@MIT.EDU
From: Laurie Ward <laurie@MIT.EDU>
>>"Dilbert quotes" contest
>>
>>A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
>>people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
>>
>>Here are the finalists.
>>
>>1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building usin=
g
>>individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
>employees
>>will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote
>>from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
>>
>>2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
>(Lykes
>>Lines Shipping)
>>
>>3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
>used
>>only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
>>
>>4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>important
>>interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
>>
>>5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
>believe
>>you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
>Now,
>>go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
>them.
>>(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
>>
>>6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
>needed
>>corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't
>edit
>>it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
>>
>>7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
>>(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
>>
>>8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
>told
>>my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest
>day
>>of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
>>He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
>>
>>9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
>to
>>discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
>Division)
>>
>>10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
>>inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentione=
d
>>above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>>
>>11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
>>project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. H=
e
>said
>>"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
>it!"
>>(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
>>
>>12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
>our
>>company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of
>the
>>sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
>training
>>manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I wa=
s
>>called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
>president
>>wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
>she
>>wouldn't stand for perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.
>Finally, he
>>showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the
>word
>>"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
>>reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a
>copy of
>>the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would tak=
e
>care
>>of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
>that no
>>words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used
>in
>>company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
>policy, I
>>created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
>paper.
>>(Taco Bell Corporation)
