[2675] in Humor
culled from 5th graders' science exams
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Descent God)
Fri Feb 19 14:25:41 1999
From: "Descent God" <descentr3@hotmail.com>
To: autodeletion@hotmail.com, humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:22:23 PST
Culled from 5th-graders' science exams...
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the
bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the
outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on
the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or
negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not
recovered,
then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in
your
throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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Jimmy is in math class when the teacher asks him a question:
"Jimmy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one with your gun,
how
many are left?"
"None," replies Jimmy, "because the others would be scared by the
noise."
"Well, no, the correct answer is 4, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"I've got a question for you, teacher," says Jimmy.
"If there are 3 women sitting in a shop eating ice cream cones, and one
is
licking her cone, one is biting her cone, and one is sucking her cone,
which
one is married?"
The teacher gets a little nervous and finally answers, "I say the one
sucking her cone."
"Well, no, the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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School - You Might Be a College Sudent If...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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You might be a college student if:
1. You have ever price shopped Top Ramen.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping >
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups
(ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II)
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one
trip)
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM >
14. If you consider Pizza one of the four major food groups >
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy
16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake
17. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live with
18. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic"
19. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D.
just so
you could get that one dollar off at the movies
20. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep
through
your morning class
21. If you've ever called your roommates, not knowing where you were at
and
asked them to come get you
22. If you've ever called home just to talk to your pets
23. When you work your class schedule around drinking
24. When you watch TV with no volume, while listening to the radio
25. When you can play euchre (dominoes for you aggies) in any state of
mind
26. When showering doesn't happen on a daily basis.
27. When a blender is your first major appliance.
28. When you're not a dork if you wear your backpack on both shoulders
29. If you can't find money to buy food but it miracously appears to buy
alcohol.
30. When weather begins to be a major factor on your class attendance
31. When you would rather do e-mail than study for a test
32. When your second major applicance is a coffee maker
33. When your walls are covered with beer signs
34. When you have a separate refrigerator for beer.
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