[2649] in Humor
Fwd: DAVE HUMOR: Hear ye! Hear ye!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Fri Feb 5 10:47:04 1999
Date: Fri, 05 Feb 1999 10:37:29 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
wheger@wbc-architects.com,
"kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com" <kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com>,
jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, mtsai@bqa.com,
immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com,
nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
"Jean, Marc (GEAE)" <marc.jean@ae.ge.com>, celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, Courtney Nichols <crnichol@fas.harvard.edu>
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
>Date: Thu, 04 Feb 1999 22:05:16 -0800
>From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@misosoup.com>
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.06 [en] (Win95; U)
>To: connie@misosoup.com
>Subject: DAVE HUMOR: Hear ye! Hear ye!
>
>Hear ye, hear ye: Get an aye-ful of Clinton's trial in the Senate
>By Dave Barry
>Published Jan. 24, 1999
>
>In case you've been too busy to follow the Trial Of The Century in the
>U.S. Senate, here's the complete official transcript so far:
>
>SERGEANT AT ARMS: Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!
>All persons shut up and pay attention for the trial of
>the impeachment of the president of the United
>States, William Jefferson Clinton, on charges of
>messing around! No chewing of gum!
>
>SEN. LOTT: At this time, in accordance with the
>United States Senate Big Book O' Rules, Sen.
>Thurmond shall swear in the Chief Justice of the
>United States.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Raise your right hand.
>
>(The Chief Justice raises his hand.)
>
>SEN. THURMOND: (whispering to Sen. Lott): Why is
>he raising his hand?
>
>SEN LOTT: You told him to.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: I told WHO to?
>
>SEN LOTT: The Chief Justice.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Well, that's different. (To the
>Chief Justice:) Do you solemnly swear to tell the
>whole truth and nothing but the truth, until death do
>you part?
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: I do.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: You do WHAT?
>
>SEN LOTT: At this time, the Chief Justice shall
>administer the Oath Of Solemn Swearing to all
>senators hereintofore present.
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: Do you solemnly swear that
>in all things appertaining to and in pursuance of the
>trial of the impeachment of William James Madison
>Clinton, cross your heart and hope to die, including
>engine and transmission for three years or 30,000
>miles, whichever comes first?
>
>SENATORS: I do.
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: At this time, the Chairman of
>the House Judiciary Committee shall present the
>Articles of Impeachment of President Abraham
>Lincoln Clinton.
>
>REP. HYDE (presenting the articles): Check out
>these babies.
>
>SENATORS: Whoa.
>
>SEN. KENNEDY: Does anybody want that cigar?
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The articles of impeachment
>of President William Woodrow Wilson having been
>presented, the Majority Leader and the Minority
>Leader shall now proceed with the Choosing Of
>Who Goes First.
>
>SEN LOTT and SEN. DASCHLE: Once, twice, three
>... shoot!
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair observes that the
>Minority Leader made a rock and the Majority
>Leader made paper. The Chair rules that paper
>beats rock.
>
>SEN. DASCHLE: I didn't make a rock! I made a
>crab!
>
>SEN LOTT: Objection! This is Rock, Paper, Scissors!
>You can't make a crab!
>
>SEN. DASCHLE: Yes I can! Look! He's waving his
>claws!
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair rules that paper
>beats crab. The prosecution shall proceed.
>
>REP. HYDE: For its first witness, the prosecution
>calls to the stand White House aide Sidney
>Blumenthal. Mr. Blumenthal, please state your
>name.
>
>MR. BLUMENTHAL: I don't recall.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Me either.
>
>REP. HYDE: Mr. Blumenthal, would it be fair to state
>that you remind a lot of people of some kind of
>burrowing carnivore?
>
>PERRY MASON: Objection, your honor! He's
>badgering the witness!
>
>REP. HYDE: I'll withdraw the question. The
>prosecution calls as its next witness Monica S.
>Lewinsky. Miss Lewinsky, on the evening of Nov.
>15, 1995, did you go to the White House wearing
>"thong" style underwear?
>
>MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.
>
>REP. HYDE: And are these the underwear in
>question?
>
>PERRY MASON: Objection! He's wearing them
>backward!
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair will allow it.
>
>REP. HYDE: And while you were thus bethonged,
>Miss Lewinsky, did the president, William Baines
>Johnson, to your knowledge, commit a high crime or
>misdemeanor or take some form of gander?
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Are we voting on Barbecue
>Safety Awareness Week?
>
>REP. HYDE: Not right now.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Good, because I'm against it.
>
>MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.
>
>REP. HYDE: Yes WHAT?
>
>MISS LEWINSKY: I don't recall.
>
>SEN. THURMOND: Or maybe I'm for it.
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: You know, The Chair has
>been thinking, and The Chair is starting to wonder if
>maybe crab beats paper, after all. Because the crab
>could EAT the paper, right? Is The Chair right?
>
>SEN. LOTT: How come you always refer to yourself
>as "The Chair?"
>
>THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair doesn't know; The
>Chair just always has. Even as a child, The Chair
>would tell its mother, "Wah! The Chair wants a
>bottle!" Speaking of which, The Chair could eat a
>horse. All in favor of lunch say "Aye."
>
>SENATORS: Aye!
>
>SEN. THURMOND: You may now kiss the bride.
>
>SEN. KENNEDY: This thing tastes TERRIBLE.
>
>Write to Dave Barry c/o Tropic Magazine, The
>Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.
>Barry can no longer be reached by e-mail.
>Copyright =A9 The Sacramento Bee
>=20
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Sharalee M. Field, Planning Analyst =09
Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office
Harvard University
Ph: 617.495.8257 Fax: 617.495.7881
