[2648] in Humor
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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Roxanne M Cartwright)
Thu Feb 4 17:10:57 1999
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Date: Thu, 04 Feb 1999 17:05:50 EST
From: Roxanne M Cartwright <roxie@MIT.EDU>
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Date: Thu, 04 Feb 1999 16:47:37 -0800
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>> Review of the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year (according to a
>> poll recently taken by someone with obviously too much time on his/her
>> hands).
>>
>> Number nine
>> A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As
>> he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
>> beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
>> quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is
>> as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your
>> penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
>>
>> Number eight
>> A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
>> the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
>> young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
>> blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
>> offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
>>
>> Number seven
>> A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a
>> gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading
>> a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
>> "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
>> that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have
>> the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
>> He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
>>
>> Number six
>> One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps
>> his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
>> and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow
>> and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
>> sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
>> This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment
>> tomorrow too?"
>>
>> Number five
>> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
>> number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
>> had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
>> pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
>> talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He
>> vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,
>> Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
>> seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
>> told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
>> slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what
>> happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the
>> pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
>>
>> Number four
>> A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
>> for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast
>> instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The
>> man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
>> suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
>> reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
>> moan from his suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
>> will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to
>> be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,
>> white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks
>> what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
>>
>> Number three
>> A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
>> alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
>> you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
>> inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then
>> open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for
>> witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
>> murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
>> trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
>> gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
>> grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
>> head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
>> unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
>> was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
>> anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
>> After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
>> spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
>> with the beer bottle".
>>
>> Number two
>> A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
>> dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and
>> says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
>> right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks
>> up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and
>> asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me
>> but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350
>> pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
>> Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn
>> around.'"
>>
>> Number one
>> A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>> breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just
>> think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
>> "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
>> together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
>> naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do
>> you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff
>> and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
>> breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
>> fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
>> your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
>>
>
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