[259] in Humor
HUMOR - Dave: Foreign countries
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed May 11 16:31:39 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 16:27:15 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
Foreign Coutries
by Dave Barry
>If you must go to a foreign country, go to the bathroom before you leave
>
> When we try to name the one thing that makes America
>great, we are forced to conclude that the answer is "quality of
>life," defined as "working toilets." We are blessed with the
>finest toilet system in the world. When we go to a public place
>such as a shopping mall or restaurant, we know that we will find
>public restrooms meeting all the standards of the Federal
>Interstate Commode Quality Act, including:
> Modern soap and paper-towel dispensers designed to
>conserve our planet's precious resources by always being out of
>soap and paper towels.
> Bad words that have been written on the walls by
>irresponsible, reprehensible, antisocial, degenerate perverts who
>can be pretty funny.
> A sign that says "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE
>LEAVING RESTROOM AND ALSO FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE STOP SPITTING INTO
>THE ENTREES."
> A person who has been in a stall for at least two days
>making noises like walruses mating.
> Also, sometimes, if prankish youngsters have not stolen it
>or attempted to flush a rental security guard down it, there will
>be a TOILET THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. This is not the case elsewhere in
>the world. Ask anybody who travels a lot. In foreign countries,
>you constantly find yourself in scary situations involving
>plumbing that was built thousands of years ago by the Etruscans,
>who chose to become extinct rather than try to use it. These
>facilities are often guarded by very short, very wide, very
>hostile women who watch you like a hawk and expect you to tip them
>for tending the mold colonies and making sure the toilet paper is
>rigid enough to slice luncheon meat.
> Perhaps you believe I am overstating the scariness of
>foreign toilets. Well, perhaps you should dig out your December
>1993 issue of the Scottish Medical Journal, a copy of which was
>sent to me by alert research scientist Elliot Cowan. On page 185,
>you will find an article entitled "THE COLLAPSE OF TOILETS IN
>GLASGOW." This article, which I am not making up, describes three
>cases wherein people were injured "whilst sitting on toilets
>which unexpectedly collapsed." All three patients had to receive
>hospital treatment for wounds in the buttocks region. (The
>buttocks region is located just west of Edinburgh.)
> The article describes the collapsing-toilet incidents in
>clinical scientific terminology, which contrasts nicely with a
>close-up, full-face photograph, suitable for framing, of a hairy
>and hefty victim's naked wounded butt, mooning out of the page at
>you, causing you to think, for reasons that you cannot quite
>explain, of Pat Buchanan.
> "The cause (of the toilet collapses) remains unclear,"
>states the Scottish Medical Journal, "except that all of the
>toilets were believed to be very old." (The article does not come
>right out and use the term "Etruscan," but we can read between
>the lines.)
> So my advice is: If you must go to a foreign country, go
>to the bathroom before you leave. Although I personally would stay
>right here in the United States, because we could be on the verge
>of a major scientific breakthrough in the form of -- get ready --
>a MICROWAVE TOILET.
> I have here the May 26, 1993, issue of the Bloomsburg,
>Pa., Press-Enterprise, sent in by alert reader David Hill; right
>on the front page is a story, written by Ellen Condron, about a
>man named George Welliver, who is hoping to manufacture a toilet
>that would use microwaves to convert waste to ashes, thereby
>saving water. The article is accompanied by a stunningly artistic
>color photograph, taken with the camera tilted at an arty angle,
>showing Mr. Welliver sitting (fully dressed) on his bathroom
>commode, holding a microwave oven in his lap. I have been to some
>of the world's finest museums, and I can honestly say that I have
>never seen a work of art, photographic or otherwise, that more
>clearly expresses the classic dual themes of "microwave oven"
>and "toilet."
> The article quotes Welliver as saying that he originally
>considered a LASER toilet, but decided against it. I think this
>was a wise decision. I'm sure I speak on behalf of guys everywhere
>when I say that I would not want to get any closer than about 50
>feet from a laser-powered toilet, so accuracy would be a real
>problem.
> But I think the microwave toilet is a great idea. In fact,
>I can foresee a day in the not-so-distant future when there would
>be one multipurpose microwave device in your home, which would
>automatically, at a pre-set time, load a frozen burrito into
>itself, heat it up to serving temperature, then switch over to
>Toilet Mode, incinerate the burrito, and whisk the ashes away
>without any human involvement whatsoever. That is the wonderful
>thing about this great country: The quality of life is constantly
>improving in ways that we cannot begin to comprehend without
>massive doses of Prozac, with each generation producing something
>new and amazing. And then forgetting to flush.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
