[2574] in Humor
FWD: Bread Threat
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Mikhail Khusid)
Thu Dec 3 09:31:47 1998
From: "Mikhail Khusid" <Mikhail_Khusid@notes.teradyne.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 09:23:56 -0500
---------------------- Forwarded by Mikhail Khusid/NNH/Teradyne on 12/03/98
09:22 AM ---------------------------
Robin Holly <rfh@fngp.com> on 12/03/98 09:08:27 AM
>This is right up there in importance with the movement to ban dihydrogen
>oxide:
>
>A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be
>health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of
>baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components
>of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
>
>Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
>anyone think twice....
>
>1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
>
>2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
>score below average on standardized tests.
>
>3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
>average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
>unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
>typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
>
>4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
>eating bread.
>
>5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
>as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
>average American eats more bread than that in one month!
>
>6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence
>of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
>
>7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
>given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
>
>8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"items
>such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
>
>9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is morethan
>90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
>being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
>soggy,gooey bread-pudding person.
>
>10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
>
>11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
>kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
>
>12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
>significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
>
>In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
>restrictions:
>
>1: No sale of bread to minors.
>
>2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
>
>3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
>>we>>might associate with bread.
>
>4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
>children) may be used to promote bread usage.
>
