[2573] in Humor
Divine Press Release
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brian T. Sniffen)
Wed Dec 2 09:42:47 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 1998 07:54:41 EST
From: "Brian T. Sniffen" <brians@MIT.EDU>
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a
21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth
to
God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time,"
that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship
existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time,
verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has
issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a
failed
land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the give-away of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro
quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are
planning
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.
