[2559] in Humor
fwd: voice mail
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yelena Margolin)
Thu Nov 19 09:14:30 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 09:08:49 EST
From: Yelena Margolin <yelya@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
> Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us and,
> we're
> sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to challenge my sincerity,
> press 1.
>
> We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly, you are
> not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate representatives
> are presently *assisting* themselves to a *cigarette* and associating with
> a jelly doughnut, so for more efficient routing of your call, please
> select
> from the following menu:
>
> For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears, press 3.
> For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such as having the
> president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.
>
> If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to
> complain
> about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish upon a star,
> makes no difference who you are, press -- what else? -- the star key.
>
> To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound your
> problem
> makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.
>
> To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If you are
> suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee Williams' fatal
> shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and truck chase scenes, press
> 19.
>
> To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of the
> laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the 14-digit number
> that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed corn.
>
> For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving, press 45.
>
> If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred
> interview
> conducted by Sesame Street's Big Bird and Cookie Monster, press 91.
>
> For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that will
> never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding locomotive crashing
> into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a Greyhound bus, press 22.
>
> If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare time by
> kicking butt and taking names, press 18.
>
> To find out why people don't name their babies ``Felix'' anymore, press
> 73.
>
>
> If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and you
> wish
> to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons, prepare to burn in
> hell.
>
> To report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and the way
> it's turning out, press 86.
>
> If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish to join
> the Pal Club, press 55.
>
> For a list of hip phrases to shout when you're shooting dice so you don't
> have to keep using the one about infant requiring new footwear, press 93.
>
> To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25. If you
> would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a pizza, press
> 26.
>
> If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not press your
> luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend. You have come
> too
> far. There is no turning back. You can only press on.
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
