[2517] in Humor
Good things to do
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Zhenye)
Mon Oct 26 14:27:25 1998
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 14:23:19 -0500
From: Zhenye <descentr@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while
brushing,
spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout
out
things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor
advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're
scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the
blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two
minutes
into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze"
button
and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to
get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big
liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,
"Stop
writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take
a seat,
and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,
papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter
how
small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a
panic.
Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!"
Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please
kill me!"
Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
Instead,
fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up.
When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into
class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
sitting in
this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at
the
cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few
moments,
shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
become
increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and
giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room
after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you
embarrassed me
AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get
your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty
scary, huh?"
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
until he/she
has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to
arrive.
16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All"
or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.
17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out,
"Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around
it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra
credit.
19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
until
the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
throw
it through the window.
20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think
up
a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and
perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
"very inspiring."
21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor
that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax
during
class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes
time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I
had a
banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade,
angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to
your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame
it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a
writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act
interested, and
write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes
and
turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the
entire
class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next
to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
frequent
discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what
you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act
annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
