[2516] in Humor
fwd: politically correct little red riding hood
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yelena Margolin)
Mon Oct 26 08:38:27 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 08:35:43 EST
From: Yelena Margolin <yelya@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
> Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
>
> There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
> the
> edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would
> probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study
> them.
>
> Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
> as
> "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would
> have
> thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact
> exist.
>
>
> Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
> households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
>
> One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
> and
> mineral water to her grandmother's house.
>
> "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
> have
> struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
> various
> people in the woods?"
>
> Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
> and
> gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
>
> "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
>
> Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
> oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women
> were free.
>
> "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
> he's
> an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
>
> And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
> special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
> women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of
> community.
>
> "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
> unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
>
> But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
> actually
> sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that
> was
> not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some
> people
> called "health".
>
> Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
> the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
>
> Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place,
> but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
> cultural
> paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural
> world
> as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were
> in fact intolerable competitors.
>
> Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
> Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized
> peoples
> would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
> lifestyle
> role models.
>
> On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
> wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
>
> She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her
> what
> was in her basket.
>
> Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
> she
> was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to
> dialogue with the Wolf.
>
> She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
> gesture
> of solidarity."
>
> The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
> through these woods alone."
>
> Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
> but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
> society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and
> yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to
> be
> on my way."
>
> Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
> Grandmother's house.
>
> But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
> adherence
> to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to
> Grandma's house.
>
> He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
> his nature as a predator.
>
> Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
> Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
> developments.
>
> Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
>
> "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in
> your
> role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
>
> The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
>
> Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
>
> "You forget that I am optically challenged."
>
> "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
>
> "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
> didn't
> give in to such societal pressures, my child."
>
> "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
>
> The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
> reaction
> appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
> Little
> Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor
> Grandmother cowering in his belly.
>
> "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
> must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
>
> The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on
> her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing
> an ax.
>
> "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
>
> "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I
> let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
> abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
> scores
> on college entrance exams."
>
> "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is
> an
> FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
> nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
>
> "Thank goodness you got here in time", said the Wolf. "The brat and her
> grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
>
> "No, I think I'm the real victim here", said the woodchopper. "I've been
> dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
> earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any
> aspirin?"
>
> "Sure", said the Wolf.
>
> "Thanks."
>
> "I feel your pain", said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
> firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any
> Maalox?"
------- End of Forwarded Message
