[2504] in Humor
HUMOR: Pre-Relationship Agreement
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Fri Oct 16 09:31:21 1998
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 09:27:29 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
wheger@wbc-architects.com,
"kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com" <kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com>,
jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, mtsai@bqa.com,
immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com,
nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
"Jean, Marc (GEAE)" <marc.jean@ae.ge.com>, celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
>Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998 23:21:13 -0700
>From: Connie Kleinjans <<connie@nanospace.com>
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.06 [en] (Win95; U)
>To: connie@nanospace.com
>Subject: HUMOR: Pre-Relationship Agreement
>
>From: "Mary Ann Anthony " <<MAANTHON@us.oracle.com>
>From: jokes@gag-o-matic.lowcomdom.com (Gag-O-Matic Joke Server)
>
>PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
>
>The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of
>sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party
>of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
>
>1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
>(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to
>fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre
>religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
>affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that
>have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any
>deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,
>and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result
>in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance
>to get anywhere.
>
>2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who
>arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
>blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser"
>or "psycho bitch." (For definition of "real loser," see "John DeLorean:
>My Story," available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione
>in "Penthouse." For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in
>"Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
>
>3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the
>first date, both parties mutually agree to usethe following terminology
>in describing their said "dating":
>
>For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
>"going out." (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
>exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30)days, both parties may say
>they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as
>"an item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date,
>either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and
>their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under no
>circumstances are the phrases "my better half." "the little woman," "the
>old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
>
>Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
>however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this
>schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds
>of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
>
>4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
>agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
>weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
>expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
>"holds" on the other's time.
>
>Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
>continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
>party" agrees to "give up."
>
>5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the
>couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
>schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least
>twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the
>middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend," and both parties
>agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
>vocabularies.
>
>Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
>agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the
>delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the
>first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal
>personalities.
>
>6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside
>-- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
>breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke,
>or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
>
>Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
>are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the
>time.
>
>7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to
>keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to
>the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together,
>every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective
>apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
>silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick
>up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing
>his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By
>the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a
>mess."
>
>8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of
>the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of
>phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?"
>and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married."
>
>9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not
>to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
>concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each
>other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the
>other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
>
>10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
>immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
>
>Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
>Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing";
>Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek
>"help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
>are..."
>
>11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves
>the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
>following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could
>ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me";
>"My analyst think you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes
>here).
>
>12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
>time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks."
>
>Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before
>terminating said relationship.
>
>At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and
>return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and
>personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
>intermediaries.
>
>Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before
>engaging in sex with any of the other's friends.
>
>Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
>at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further consent
>to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the
>breakup:
>
>"The timing wasn't right."
>"He/she wanted more than I could give."
>"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
>"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
>
>13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both
>parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot."
>
>Gag-O-Mactic Joke Server 2.0
>jokes@gag-o-matic.lowcomdom.com
>Info on Subscribing and unsubscribing:
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>
>What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
>
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