[2371] in Humor
guide to Windows '98
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Martha Greenberg)
Tue Jul 7 18:54:44 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 07 Jul 1998 18:46:44 EDT
From: Martha Greenberg <marthag@MIT.EDU>
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[Forwards deleted]
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest
version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before
using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions
carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited
warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3
percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many
features not found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer
operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster
storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps
Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98
(C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft
products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software
again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what
you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C)
offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice,
whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted
software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of
business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft
Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time
bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask
"Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more
times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the
time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that
the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded
when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If
at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow
speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap
the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the
current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake
the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing
the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to
upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However,
the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted
a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth,
Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and
the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill"
and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It
only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank
records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared
with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare
partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the
recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but
Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to
the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the
editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American
consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate,
not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
Satirist Tom McNichol is waiting for his computer to boot up.
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