[2300] in Humor
HUMOR: Golf laws / Anecdote
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jonathon Weiss)
Mon May 11 13:55:13 1998
From: Jonathon Weiss <jweiss@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 13:48:04 EDT
------- Forwarded Message
From: Steve Weiss <SteveWeiss@comshare.com>
Golf season is in full (umm) swing. I saved these until now. -srw
Golf Laws:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy
one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
- ----------
Anecdote:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their
sight while saving our club house last year. So we let
them
play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Then the replies came:
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and
see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
------- End of Forwarded Message
