[2297] in Humor
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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Avi C. Weiss)
Thu May 7 16:05:00 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 07 May 1998 15:56:03 EDT
From: "Avi C. Weiss" <acw@MIT.EDU>
My mom sent this to me.
I think it sucks.
So I wrote a parody.
It follows.
Avi
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 18:50:34 EDT
To: acw@MIT.EDU
Mime-Version: 1.0
Subject: Graduation thoughts
Some Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
>
>Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in
>school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a
>modest- back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not
>have found their way into the standard curriculum.
>
>Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses
>the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your
>parents. Who said it so often you decided they must be the most
>idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own
>kids, they realized Rule #2.
>
>Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as
>your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you
>feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when
>inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair.
>(See Rule No. 1)
>
>Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high
>school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either.
>You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
>
>Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
>He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw
>up, he is not going to ask you how you feel about it.
>
>Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
>grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it
>opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They
>would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all
>weekend.
>
>Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are
>responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not
>the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation.
>When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll
>sound like a baby boomer.
>
>Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they
>are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room,
>and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way,
>before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your
>parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
>
>Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers
>off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For
>eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes
>on and on.
>
>Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
>problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for
>commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee
>shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as
>Jennifer Aniston.
>
>Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all
>could.
>
>Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's
>a bother, and life is depressing. But someday, you'll realize how
>wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
Subject: And now, the parody
Date: Wed, 06 May 1998 21:34:59 EDT
From: "Avi C. Weiss" <acw@MIT.EDU>
Things I Learned IN SCHOOL
-- by Avi C. Weiss
Rule #1.
Always question statistics. When the average teenager says "it's not
fair" 8.6 times a day, wonder how unfair it is that you weren't included in
the study.
Rule #2.
People who are concerned with their self-esteem sit in the back of the
classroom. No wonder.
Rule #3.
It takes at least a semester at MIT to make enough contacts such that
you can drop out and make $60,000 a year. It takes under a semester to learn
that no one wears GAP anymore.
Rule #4.
Tenured professors don't care what anyone thinks, including students.
It sucks to work for someone who will never learn.
Rule #5.
Never flip burgers. A volunteer position in your field is better than
a minimum wage job.
Rule #6.
Some things are your parents fault. Like the fact that everyone else
heads someplace warm for Christmas or Spring Break, while you are stuck on
an empty campus because your parents celebrated Hannukah back in November and
won't celebrate Passover until mid-April leaving them with no reason to leave
Long Island, and you'd rather die than spend a week in the same old house for
apparently no reason at all. Thinking, "I'll just get a head start on my
coursework", you don't even try to take a road trip to visit all of your goyish
friends who, no doubt, are unwrapping a sweater under a fig tree in their ranch
house in Palm Springs.
Rule #7.
Your parents were not always as boring as they are now. According to the
old fraternity yearbooks, your mother had a vibrant social life, and perhaps
a thriving business as well. To this day, your father's holds a number of
records from November games.
Rule #8.
Life isn't divided into semesters. And you don't get summers off.
Those INCOMPLETES are still there.
Rule #9.
Television is a useless institution left over from your parent's
generation. Only the Baby-boomer generation had time for it; we'll have to
spend our excess time cleaning up the mess they made. Certain original
programs on Comedy Central are excluded.
Rule #10.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule #11.
Enjoy this while you can. Someday you will turn into your parents.
Try everything your parents probably didn't try. Who knows? Maybe you will
escape your fate one way or the other.
