[2288] in Humor
No subject found in mail header
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Amy M. Smith)
Fri May 1 12:37:31 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 01 May 1998 12:25:48 EDT
From: "Amy M. Smith" <amsmith@MIT.EDU>
Subject: Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Subject: Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner
Author: celdvbio@mail.med.upenn.edu (Victoria McManus) at
UUCPGATE Date: 4/30/98 10:53 AM
> Lady Martha of the Stewart Clan's Beltane Planner >
>
> April 1: Finalize guestlist for Beltane shindig. Decide that
> Al Gore will be the May King this year, seeing as Bill was it last
> year. Cross off Monica as possible May Queen, considering the fiasco
from > last year. Perhaps Janet Reno would consent to being May
Queen this
> year? Have my people contact her people. >
> April 2: Check jousting fields out back and mow. Meet with > vet at
noon for inspection of destriers.
>
> April 3: Confirm the Skyclad Strolling Minstrels for the
> party. Make paper for Beltane invitations out of papyrus growing in >
water garden.
>
> April 4: Coven meeting. Channel Sybil Leek. >
> April 5-10: Fly to Ireland to collect the nine sacred woods
> necessary for the Beltane fire. Meet with the Sidhe to arrange for
> special guest appearances by the Dagda and Aengus. Have dinner
with Bono > et wife.
>
> April 11: Special guest appearance at the Temple of the > Pleasant
Fabrics to discuss new ways to worship satin. >
> April 12: Meet with florist to special order flowers from
> Hawaii to float in pool. Inspect back yard for poison ivy, spray with >
organic herbicide.
>
> April 13: Craft horn crown for the May King out of sculpty.
> Craft flower headdress for May Queen out of silk flowers specially >
ordered from the Temple of Pleasant fabrics.
>
> April 14: Send out invites for party, confirm Al as May
> King. Janet backed out, have my people call Rosie's people. >
> April 15: Beat tax accountant with flogger for not getting > me a large
enough tax return.
>
> April 16: Special guest appearance on Rosie. Confirm Rosie > as May
Queen.
>
> April 17: Spray poison ivy with organic herbicide, again.
> Mow jousting field, again. Informal party with the jousters in the >
hayloft of the barn.
>
> April 18: Pull rest of hay out of hair. Meet with house
> staff to review party menu. Check the mead in the basement. Coven
meeting, > Movie Night! Bring popcorn-on-ears grown in garden last
year for
> snack.
>
> April 19-21: Quicky visit to the Caribbean for deep sea > fishing with
"The Boys."
>
> April 22: Begin receiving RSVP's for party. Mow jousting > field again.
Use non-organic herbicide on poison ivy.
>
> April 23: Inspect 18-foot imported farm-grown teak Maypole.
> Sand smooth, polish to a sheen with Lady Martha of the Stewart
> Clan's Personal Lubricant. Flog staff member for video-taping the
polishing. >
> April 24: Erect Maypole in backyard. Plant petunias from > BigK around
the base. Make silk ribbons for Maypole.
>
> April 25: Wymin meeting! Get in touch with my masculine > side.
>
> April 26: Begin construction of Robe of Flowers to resemble
> Bloudewedd for Beltane. Bake 25 dozen Devil's Food cakes and
freeze. > Sugar 3 pounds of violets to garnish; refrigerate.
>
> April 27: Mow jousting field. Spray poison ivy with >
commercial-strength herbicide.
>
> April 28: Begin chilling mead on imported ice block imported > from
Greenland. Fold 200 cloth napkins to resemble male and > female
genitalia.
>
> April 29: Pick up the Dagda and Aengus in backyard circle of >
stone/portal. Situate them comfortably in the hill out back. >
> April 30: Small ritual to celebrate the end of winter with
> the coven, the Dagda, and Aengus. Do the wild thing with The Dagda
and > Aengus in the bushes.
>
> May 1: Buy mass quantities of Homeopathic Calamine lotion at
> BigK and apply to rash. Hire new subcontractor to pull up poison ivy >
still hiding in the bushes. Carve 60 pounds of fresh fruit to
> resemble flowers.
>
> May 2: Party! Finish flower robe by hot-gluing flower petals
> to silk robe. Bathe in homeopathic calamine. Flog staff members just >
for the hell of it. Take homeopathic Benadryl for itch. Arrange
> flowers on top of maypole. Make 20 gallons of fresh squeezed
lemonade. Have > staff strategically place Pagan Condoms throughout
the house and
> yard. Ride in on white mare. Greet guests. Forget took benadryl and
> drink copious amounts of mead. Barf in bushes. Dance nekkid around
the > maypole. Crown Al and Rosie. Jump the fire. Test Al's fitness to be
> the new King of the Land.
>
> May 3: Send Al home. Thank the gods I'm not Tipper. Bathe in
> homeopathic calamine again. Start making plans for Lughnasdha. >
------- End of Forwarded Message
