[2211] in Humor
HUMOR: It's a Wonderful Machine: The Sweetest Christmas Movie
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Wed Dec 17 13:24:52 1997
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 13:17:41 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, mgshea@aol.com, wheger@wbc-architects.com,
Kris_Kelly@notes.pw.com, jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU,
dahv@MIT.EDU, jsquill@MIT.EDU, mtsai@bqa.com, immer@MIT.EDU,
jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com, tfabricius@MIT.EDU,
bc@wetware.com
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
For all you mac fans out there....
-p
>X-Sender: ckent@pop.fas.harvard.edu
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>Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 12:53:51 -0500
>To: mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu, sharalee_field@harvard.edu
>From: Celia Kent <<celia_kent@harvard.edu>
>Subject: more on the xmas and bill bashing theme
>
>>From: RobertKent <<RobertKent@aol.com>
>>Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 12:32:40 EST
>>It's a Wonderful Machine: The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
>>
>>By David Pogue
>>
>>I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked,
>>and maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while
>>leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last
>>night--like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy
>>Stewart stars as Steve "Jobs" Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved
>>small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill "Gates"
>>Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the
>>town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival: "This town needs my
>>measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use
>>instead of Windows!"
>>
>>But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking. "The
>>press says your company is doomed!" yells one man. "You killed the
>>clones! We're going to Windows!" calls another. "We want out of our
>>investment!" they shout.
>>
>>Steve, a master showman, calms them. "Don't do it! If Potter gets
>>complete control of the desktop, you'll be forced to buy his bloatware
>>and pay for his cruddy upgrades forever! We can get through this, but
>>we've got to have faith and stick together!" The crowd decides to give
>>him one more chance.
>>
>>But the day before Christmas, something terrible happens: On his way to
>>the bank, the company's financial man, Uncle Gilly, somehow manages to
>>lose $1.7 billion. With eyes flashing, Steve grabs the befuddled Gilly
>>by the lapels. "Where's that money, you stupid old fool? Don't you
>>realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal! Get out of my
>>company--and don't come back!"
>>
>>Desperate and afraid, Steve heads to Martini's, a local Internet cafe,
>>and drowns his sorrows in an iced cappuccino. Surfing the Web at one of
>>the cafe's Macs, all he finds online is second-guessing, sniping by
>>critics, and terrible market-share numbers.
>>
>>As a blizzard rages, Steve drives his car crazily toward the river. "Oh,
>>what's the use?!" he exclaims. "We've lost the war. Windows rules the
>>world. After everything I've worked for, the Mac is going to be
>>obliterated! Think of all the passion and effort these last 15
>>years--wasted! Think of the billions of dollars, hundreds of companies,
>>millions of people . . . ." He stands on the bridge, staring at the
>>freezing, roiling river below -- and finally hurls himself over the
>>railing.
>>
>>After a moment of floundering in the chilly water, however, he's pulled
>>to safety by a bulbous-nosed oddball. "Who are you?!" Steve splutters
>>angrily.
>>
>>"Name's Clarence--I mean Claris," says the guy. "I'm your guardian
>>angel. I've been sent down to help you -- it's my last chance to earn my
>>wings."
>>
>>"Nobody can help me," says Steve bitterly. "If I hadn't created the Mac,
>>everybody'd be a lot happier: Mr. Potter, the media, even our customers.
>>
>>Hell, we'd all be better off if the Mac had never been invented at all!"
>>
>>Music swirls. The wind howls. The tattoo on Steve's right buttock--Buzz
>>Lightyear from Toy Story--vanishes.
>>
>>Steve pats the empty pocket where he usually carries his Newton. "What
>>gives?"
>>
>>"You've got your wish," says Claris. "You never invented the Mac. It
>>never existed. You haven't a care in the world."
>>
>>"Look, little fella, go off and haunt somebody else," Steve mutters. He
>>heads over to Martini's Internet cafe for a good stiff drink. But he's
>>shocked at the difference inside. "My God, look at the people using
>>these computers! Both of them--they look like math professors!"
>>
>>"They are," says Claris.
>>
>>"What is this, a museum? It looks like those computers are running DOS!"
>>
>>"Good eye!" says Claris. "DOS version 25.01, in fact--the very latest."
>>
>>"I don't get it," Steve says.
>>
>>"DOS is a lot better and faster these days, but it hasn't occurred to
>>anybody to market a computer with icons and menus yet. There's no such
>>thing as Windows--after all, there never was a Mac interface for
>>Microsoft to copy."
>>
>>"But this equipment is ancient!" Steve exclaims. "No sound, no CD-ROM
>>drive, not even 3.5-inch floppies!"
>>
>>"Those aren't antiques!" Claris says. "They're state-of-the-art Compaqs,
>>complete with the latest 12X, 5-inch-floppy drives. Don't forget, Steve:
>>
>>The Mac introduced and standardized all that good stuff you named."
>>
>>"But that's nuts!" Steve explodes. "You mean to tell me that the 46
>>percent of American households with computers are all using DOS?"
>>
>>"Correction: All 9 percent of American households," says Claris
>>cheerfully. "Without a graphic interface, computers are still too
>>complicated to be popular."
>>
>>"Bartender!" shouts Steve. "You don't have a copy of Wired here, do you?
>>
>>I've got to read up on this crazy reality!"
>>
>>The bartender glares. "I don't know what you're wired on, pal, but
>>either stop talking crazy or get outta my shop."
>>
>>"No such thing as Wired," whispers Claris. "Never was. Before you wished
>>the Mac away, most magazines were produced entirely on the Mac. Besides,
>>Wired would be awfully thin without the Web."
>>
>>"Without the--now, wait just a minute!" Horrified, Steve rushes over to
>>one of the PCs and connects to the Internet. "You call this the Net? It
>>looks like a text-only BBS--and there's practically nobody online!
>>Where's Navigator? Where's Internet Explorer? Where's the Web, for
>>Pete's sake?"
>>
>>"Oh, I see," Claris smiles sympathetically. "You must be referring to
>>all those technologies that spun off from the concept of a graphic
>>interface. Look, Steve. Until the Mac made the mouse standard, there was
>>no such thing as point and click. And without clicking, there could be
>>no Web . . . and no Web companies. Believe it or not, Marc Andreesen
>>works in a Burger King in Cincinnati."
>>
>>Steve scoffs. "Well, look, if you apply that logic, then PageMaker
>>wouldn't exist either. Photoshop, Illustrator, FreeHand, America Online,
>>digital movies --all that stuff began life on the Mac."
>>
>>"You're getting it," Claris says. He holds up a copy of Time magazine.
>>"Check out the cover price."
>>
>>Steve gasps. "Eight bucks? They've got a lot of nerve!"
>>
>>"Labor costs. They're still pasting type onto master pages with hot
>>wax."
>>
>>"You're crazy!" screams Steve. "I'm going back to my office at Apple!"
>>He drives like a madman back to Cupertino -- but the sign that greets
>>him there doesn't say, "Welcome to Apple." It says, "Welcome to
>>Microsoft South."
>>
>>"Sorry, Steve; Apple went out of business in 1985," says Claris. "You
>>see, you really did have a wonderful machine! See what a mistake it was
>>to wish it away?"
>>
>>Steve is sobbing, barely listening. "OK, then--I'll go to my office at
>>Pixar!"
>>
>>"You don't have an office at Pixar," Claris reminds him. "There was no
>>Mac to make you rich enough to buy Pixar!"
>>
>>Steve has had enough. He rushes desperately back to the icy bridge over
>>the river. "Please, God, bring it back! Bring it back! I don't care
>>about market share! Please! I want the Mac to live again!"
>>
>>Music, wind, heavenly voices -- and then snow begins softly falling.
>>
>>"Hey, Steve! You all right?" calls out Steve's friend Larry from a
>>passing helicopter. Steve pats his pocket -- the Newton is there again!
>>It's all back! Steve runs through the town, delirious with joy. "Merry
>>Christmas, Wired! Merry Christmas, Internet! Merry Christmas, wonderful
>>old Microsoft!"
>>
>>And now his office is filled with smiling people whose lives the Mac has
>>touched. There's old Mr. Chiat/Day the adman. There's Yanni the
>>musician. And there's Mr. Spielberg the moviemaker. As the Apple board
>>starts singing "Auld Lang Syne," somebody boots up a Power Mac.
>>
>>Steve smiles at the startup sound. "You know what they say," he tells
>>the crowd. "Every time you hear a startup chime, an angel just got his
>>wings."
>>
>>*******
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