[2146] in Humor
HUMOR: Laws of Japanese Animation
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Victor P Morales)
Mon Jul 28 01:14:08 1997
From: Victor P Morales <vicmoral@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 1997 01:08:47 EDT
* * * Laws of Japanese Animation * * *
= = ============================ = =
Version 3.0
Compiled and edited by
Ryan Shellito (rshellit@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu)
Darrin Bright (dbright@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu)
(Let us know if you think there should be any changes/additions.)
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is
rendered
airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there
is
no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored
Mecha
are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does
something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so
quick
they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where
the
character gains much insight to the workings of society, human
existence
or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical
damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't
even
see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This
is
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of
the
brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either
still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually
red
or white).
#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the
'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different
angles.
#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corrallary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy
'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the
explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related
to
the Law of Inherent Combustability.
#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to
its size.
#15 - Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they
are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm
increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of
the
'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of
the
shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A
'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving
vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing
on a
'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always
miss.
First Corrallary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely
they
will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with
insurmountable
odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero
to
take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and
then
escape.
Third Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy
fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh
wound
in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from
doing
anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using
melee
weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial
arts
maneuvres.
#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio
disagrees
and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)
#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 galons of blood. Sometimes more.
#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes,
loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full
of
cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated
with a
single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....
#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things.... Like a missing body part,
or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as
annoying.
#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.
#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority
The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.
First Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than the
big
dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes
referred
to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than the
American translators are the American editors and censors.
