[2079] in Humor
HUMOR: Xena Disclaimers
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue May 20 10:15:37 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 10:10:38 EDT
Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 01:29:12 -0700
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
From: Paul Farley <72253.3153@CompuServe.COM>
From: Laine Tammer, INTERNET:laine@batnet.com
Midway through the first season, the Xenastaff began including humorous
"disclaimers" in the end credits. Following is the list so far:
Cradle of Hope: "No babies were harmed during the production of this motion
picture."
Prometheus: "Iolaus was harmed during the production of this motion
picture. However, the Green Egg men went on to live long and prosperous
lives."
Death in Chains: "No Jumbo Sized Cocktail Rats were harmed during the
production of this motion picture."
Hooves and Harlots: "No males, centaurs, or amazons were harmed during the
production of this motion picture."
Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts: "No oversized Polynesian-style Bamboo Horses
were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However many
wicker lawn chairs gave their lives."
Academy of the Performing Bards: "The producers would like to acknowledge
and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those who were
involved with the making of the film classic 'Spartacus'. Additional thanks
to Steve Reeves."
A Fistful of Dinars: "No Ambrosia was spilled, spoiled or in any way harmed
during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite
shelf life of marshmallow)"
Warrior...Princess: "Neither Xena not her remarkably coincidental identical
twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture."
Mortal Beloved: "No Winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave
during the production of this motion picture."
The Royal Couple of Thieves: "No Ancient and inflexible rules governing
moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture."
The Prodigal: "Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing
warrior-for-hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion
picture."
Altared States: "No Unabating or Severely Punishing Deities were harmed
during the production of this motion picture."
Ties that Bind: "No Fathers, spiritual or biological, were harmed during
the production of this motion picture."
The Greater Good: "Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social
ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe."
Callisto: "Joxer's nose was not harmed during the production of this motion
picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged."
Death Mask: "No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this
motion picture. However, several are reportedly missing in action and
search-and-rescue efforts are under way."
Is There a Doctor in the House?: "Being that war is hell, lots of people
were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since
television is a dramatic medium of make-believe, all casualities removed
their prosthetic makeup and went home unscathed."
Orphan of War: "No sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink elixirs
that turn them into scary creatures were harmed during the production of
this motion picture."
Remember Nothing: "Xena's memory was not damaged or...what was I saying?"
Giant Killer: "No Bible myths or icons were irreparably mangled during the
production of this motion picture."
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: "No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the
production of this motion picture. However, a few Dryads lost their heads."
Return of Callisto: "Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis,
Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather
unmentionables."
Warrior...Princess...Tramp: "Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental
identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this picture.
Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing aardvark nuggets for
King Lias."
Intimate Stranger: "Argo was not harmed during the making of this motion
picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her
work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena."
Ten Little Warlords: "No one was harmed during the production of this
motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely
impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap."
A Solstice Carol: "Senticles was not harmed during the production of this
motion picture. However, several of his toys are in dire need of repair."
The Xena Scrolls: "No Hollywood producers were harmed during the production
of this motion picture."
Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis: "No ribbons were harmed during the
production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe
motion sickness."
Destiny: "Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion
picture. However, the Producers deny any responsibility for any unfortunate
acts of betrayal causing some discomfort."
The Quest: "Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion
picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back."
A Necessary Evil: "The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not harmed
despite Velasca's overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief
system."
A Day in the Life: "No Slippery Eels were harmed during the production of
this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select
cultures of the known world."
For Him the Bell Tolls: "The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration
of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture 'Court
Jester.'"
The Execution: "By popular demand, the executioner will bring back his
comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring
colors."
