[2054] in Humor
HUMOR: CAT User's Manual
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu May 1 10:04:36 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 01 May 1997 09:54:00 EDT
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 08:57:14 -0500
From: kkitten@nwu.edu (Kimberly Davis)
> CAT User's Manual
> CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
> User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
>
> Features:
>
> User Friendly
> Low Power CPU
>
> Self-Portable Operation
> Dual Video and Audio Input
> Audio Output
> Auto Search Capability for Input Data
> Auto Search for Output Bin
> Auto Learn Program in ROM
> Instant Transition (Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
> Wide Operating Temperature Range
> Mouse Driven
> Self Cleaning
>
> Production Details:
>
> After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks
> of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed
> features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses
> local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual
> units. Some of the units may not meet general standards.
> MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users
> may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East
> clones. These may violate import restrictions.
>
> Transportation:
>
> A suitable transportation case should be used for
> transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly
> ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and
> serious injury to the user.
>
> Installation Procedures:
>
> Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the
> unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and
> operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on
> the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production
> environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring
> the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC
> (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary
> user(s)present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT
> unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by
> displaying the output bin. The next step consists in
> displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid
> state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets.
> Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.
>
> If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed,
> it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new
> CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self
> learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will
> autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system
> will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72
> hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating
> environment. The unit may often be placed in direct
> sunlight. If all basic environment requirements are
> satisfied,the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is
> normal.
>
> A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full
> portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never
> let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are
> longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT
> units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
> untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to
> exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal
> errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such
> situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to
> let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a
> system address and URL.
>
> Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be
> repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets
> you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online
> state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as
> well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the
> system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much
> booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not
> responsible for injuries to the user.
>
> Applications:
>
> MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present,
> there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners
> use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they
> are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which
> leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the
> better CAT games are:
>
> CACHE
> The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game,
> but the object code must be smaller.
>
> MIRROR
> Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to
> parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by
> calling its name.
>
> STRING
> The CAT attempts to parse a data string.
>
> JUMP
> Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will
> reach new heights of operation.
>
> CHASE
> Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units
> take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to
> parse it.
>
> DANCE and SING
> Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
>
> Maintenance:
>
> CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour
> cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user
> maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or
> benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.
>
> A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very
> Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt
> to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside.
> If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be
> serviced immediately by a VET.
>
> You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male
> or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT
> unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this
> component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic
> heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
> removing an internal part.
>
> Caution:
>
> CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain
> documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user.
> Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a
> CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not strike a
> CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped
> five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3
> milliseconds. Children should not poke anything into the
> CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
>
> In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may
> build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated
> surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead
> to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its
> "tail".
>
> Service Life:
>
> As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every
> situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good.
> The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to
> have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird
> watching or studying tropical fish.
>
> If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of
> loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit.
> Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the
> ability to run complex simulation games.
>
> User Groups:
>
> CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The
> Scratching Post.
>
> Lifetime Warranty:
>
> The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure.
> Nine coupons are included.
>
> Specifications:
>
> Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest
> footprint in the industry). Interface Touch sensitive
> interface for maximum user friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1
> MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon now. Expected
> Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are
> common).
>
> Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. Speed 3
> milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist
> technology. Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome
> (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million
> colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels. Sound
> Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). Power
> Consumption 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per
> second.) Operating Range -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105 degF)
> Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance
> points.
>
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> Mark Harris
> Willow Springs, NC
> cg@fctim.interpath.com
> Owned by 25 (yes, 25, at the moment) fine felines
> (E-mail me if in Raleigh area and you'd like to adopt kittens
> 10 to adopt, currently 7-8 weeks old)
